Righting the Applecart
by Lydian Stone
Summary: In Beckett's 'Hierarchy of Needs' after coffee, food and shelter came justice then security. Fashionable boots definitely had a tier but falling head over heels in love did not. She wanted a relationship she could contain. Post-ep for Food to Die For.
1. Chapter 1

Just a few vocab/slang FYIs:

null point - an angle of optimal visual acuity.

Joe Schmo - American slang for a regular guy.

* * *

**Righting the Applecart**

Their relationship had started with a rhythm of subtext. In fact since that first meeting they had became so proficient at not saying things directly that sometimes Castle wasn't sure if she realized just how much she revealed, other times he wondered if she gave him as much as she did only because she hid so much more.

He had always been a risk taker, the guy to push the limits purely because they were there. Never in malice. he always knew exactly how far his charm would get him, rather he found that being incorrigible was the perfect defense against being vulnerable.

Smoke and mirrors . . . which had led to more than one upturned applecart.

He knew that Detective Beckett had seen through the ruse at times, but her beautifully cautious eyes had been fixed on the rotten fruit he'd left in his wake. He could distract her from his sins for a time but he worried that his past immaturity was her null point; the place where her focus came to rest in those moments when he wasn't actively proving himself to be worthy.

He had lived his life with a foot in two worlds; the bad boy celebrity versus the overprotective father who yearned for stability and a relationship that could weather his quirks. He long ago had abandoned any pretensions of forever. If he had any inkling that a woman wouldn't measure up, he would steer her away before she could nudge a toe beyond the divide between 'Rick Castle' the dad and 'Richard Castle' the author.

Only one woman had carelessly crossed that line; blurring his two identities from the moment she had casually called him 'Castle.'

It was mischief at first, letting his guard down while he played in what he brazenly saw at first as the precinct playground. He had been so careless in his in pursuit of Kate's attentions that he had disregarded his own defense mechanisms.

'_You have no idea how hard it is to love someone knowing they're going to break your heart.'_

Cecily had no idea how wrong she was. He knew that torment acutely.

Castle hadn't been able to pinpoint when fascination morphed into devotion, but regardless, he had grown emotionally attached to a woman who was determined to be unavailable to him.

Never before had he yearned so much to be Joe Schmo, a regular guy with a modest salary and a consistent pace in life. Instead he was a best-selling author condemned by his muse's rationality.

'_I mean guys like Wolf they come in, upset the applecart. Of course he makes you feel alive but eventually you know he's just gonna let you down. So why risk it?_

He made her feel alive . . . she admitted that much, but she left no doubt that he had no chance to woo her in the end. She would always deferr to what was safe. She was pursuing the Demmings of the world in order to insulate herself from what had the potential to shatter the last bit of her soul. The subtext couldn't have been clearer.

Even though he was ready to risk it all, he understood. She had lived through upheaval and she couldn't survive another blow. Her mother had been violently taken from her then her father had pivoted from steady to self-destructive in space of that same final heartbeat. It only made sense that Kate would want to recreate the security she had before her world had been torn. She sought a stable family life with a man who had proven himself faithful. A steady life, roots - those things mattered more to her emotional survival instincts than romantic fulfillment.

In Beckett's 'Hierarchy of Needs' after coffee, food and shelter came justice then security. Fashionable boots definitely had a tier but falling head over heels in love did not, unless it conveniently went hand-in-hand with stability. She wanted a relationship she could contain. She wasn't afraid of putting in the effort to lend breath to mediocrity; she just wasn't capable of throwing her lot in with a man like Wolf . . . like him.

What she didn't understand was that her fears weren't so different than his. It was easy to judge a man who she had seen publicly flit from relationship to relationship on page 6 for years before he had breezed into her life. He was Richard Castle, breaking hearts and taking names. But a man like that was groomed to be so. Abandonment, insecurity, whatever the history of any such man, underneath it all was the fear of having someone so precious that the pain of losing her would be crippling. The difference between his history and Kate's was that where her coping mechanism was to hide, his was to deflect with childish antics, and he had the burden of the press to immortalize his poor choices.

Castle had to concede that Demming was her safer option. The detective's loyalty and strong sense of justice seemed to enhance his annoyingly warm smile. A guy like that wouldn't up and leave her for book tours, be hit on by fans or throw her into the limelight that she despised. Castle had looked for passion in the way Beckett regarded her boyfriend, and although there was no doubt Demming was all in, Beckett only gave off a vibe of peaceable comfort. She liked the homicide detective, but he didn't make her feel alive.

Where Beckett saw weakness in Wolf's irresponsible tryst, Castle saw years of repressed devotion. He would never condone an affair, but he felt sympathy for how Wolf suffered. More than that, the writer had an insatiable need for Beckett to understand that the young man had been driven by more than a passing fancy.

That thought was what had carried him to her door.

He didn't have any acceptable excuse to be at her place this late and he couldn't manufacture a reason before his fist knocked of its own volition. He winced when he heard Kate talking as she came towards the door.

Castle suddenly felt sweaty and on edge, in a split second she would open the door, and if Demming's arm was slung around Beckett's waist . . . well, he would have no recourse. He would stand slack-jawed as Detective Annoying claimed his territory with a condescending smirk. He had just sent the signal from his brain to his foot to do an about-face when the door swung open. Kate paused in the middle of her sentence as she considered Castle then said into her phone, "Sorry, Lanie, I need to go. I'll call you later, okay?"

She ended the call, placed one hand on her hip and one high on the door frame.

"Hey" Castle internally kicked himself for such a killer first line.

"Hey, Castle. Everything okay?" He didn't often come over and hardly ever unannounced.

"Yeah. I was out walking, trying to shake off the case and I guess I ended up here."

She waited a beat then motioned him in, "Okay. . . Come in. That's quite a walk."

"Yeah."

She stood with her arms folded, bit her lip then probed, "We closed the case, it's not so different than most of our cases; convoluted but open and shut."

The implied question was, _'What are you doing here, Castle?' _

He blurted, "It wasn't about a thoughtless tryst."

Kate gave him a humoring glare, "Castle, he got her pregnant."

"Okay, there obviously _was_ a tryst, but, Beckett, Wolf had _resisted_. He hadn't just decided to toy with her life. Their connection, which had started so innocently, grew until it could no longer be tempered. Cecily loved Wolf against her will to be devoted to David. When, in an unguarded moment, they gave into the magnetic pull of years of longing that first touch was too fixed a force to keep her at arm's length any longer."

Beckett's mouth opened but nothing came out. She swallowed thickly at his passionate narration and carded her fingers through her hair trying to ground her own emotions.

"Castle . . . so . . . you came over here to defend Wolf?"

He shook his head willing her to understand. "He wasn't using her. He did everything he could to prove himself worthy. He made mistakes." Beckett raised her eyebrows pointedly. "Okay, a slew of mistakes, born form an immature way of coping, granted. But she was his inspiration for becoming a better version of himself. The reformed man he was at the end had always been there, and he had devoted himself to proving to her that the change was permanent."

Kate decided to indulge him since he was obviously worked up. "Castle, if that wasn't who he really was, then why? Why did he do those things? Why didn't he bother to clean up his act _before_ he decided to ruin Cecily's life?"

Castle willed his words to work miracles, "Maybe it's just too hard to recover from a reputation that has been promoted shamelessly for the gain of others." He gave her a moment to let that sink in then added, "It was an insurmountable task, but once he knew she was pregnant, he thought he had a chance. For once he thought he could show her who he really was, that he could be the guy who could make her feel alive but also the guy who could right the applecart."

There was a pause then Kate, inspecting his expression, carefully noted, "That's a lot of upset fruit, Castle."

He chanced a look at her, "If it had taken the rest of his life to prove himself to such a woman, it would have been worth it, assuming, you know, that Wolf would have lived."

Kate shook her head, "How could Cecily ever really have known? How could she trust that it wasn't a phase, that he wouldn't grow tired of a normal life with an ordinary woman after living such an exciting public life."

"She would never have been ordinary to him."

"Castle," Kate paced, trying to figure out how to gain some measure of control over this conversation despite her rapidly beating heart. "That's a lovely sentiment, but don't you think you're romanticizing a bit. Odds are that Wolf would have backslidden eventually."

"You don't know that."

"You don't know that we wouldn't have."

"Okay, just for the sake of argument, say that he did reform. What could he have done to convince you the change was permanent?"

"There's not one single action. Persistence over time, I guess."

"How long, Beckett? How long until you're convinced?" Castle asked earnestly, not really caring how thin the subtext was becoming.

She blinked at him a few times and he could see her back-pedaling. "My opinion doesn't matter. The salient point is that Cecily couldn't take that risk."

He changed focus. "You know, Cecily wasn't innocent in this."

Kate rubbed her brow with her thumb and forefinger, also feeling that the subtext was getting too close to text. How was she culpable? Castle was the rogue element in their relationship . . . partnership . . . whatever. She answered with an edge, "Sure, blame the pregnant woman. Sounds reasonable."

Castle countered, "I'm not blaming her per se, she's in a mess and I sympathize, but how was she being fair to David or herself for that matter? If she felt that strongly about another man, no matter the man's character, she had no business using David's heart as a sanctuary." He was nearly huffing.

Kate said in a calmer voice, "She could have been content if Wolf had backed off."

He pulled his lips in as though he could physically block his words. Regardless one slipped out. "Content."

Beckett shrugged "Maybe even happy. It was her choice, and she had made it. Wolf should have respected that."

Castle felt a knife turning in his gut. Did she want him to leave her alone to lead a bland life with Detective Second Best?

"And what about David? Would it have been fair to him that he would have never truly had her heart? He would always have been up against the memory of her one true love."

Kate seemed to take comfort in Castle's dramatic flair and smiled, "One true love? What is this, a fairy tale?"

He looked at her soberly. "It could be – could have been." At that moment he felt as though he was looking over his own shoulder at an insurmountable heap of rotten apples. "But apparently all they have is a tragedy. One friend kills another, a young woman is sentenced to a lonely life as a single parent riddled with guilt and the baby . . . the baby will grow up to be another Wolf, trying to defy his insecurities and the cycle will continue." He ended in a sigh. "No, Beckett, it's far from a fairy tale in my estimation."

He sat, leaned forward to rest his elbows on his thighs and clasped his hands through the tense silence. After brandishing all the well-structured arguments he could conjure, he suddenly felt hollow. In trying to convince Kate not to compromise he had gone for the jugular by baring his soul. He felt like crawling in a hole, or scheduling a three-month book tour that ended somewhere far from The Big Apple.

_Again with the fruit._

Kate walked towards him, started to extend a hand to his shoulder but diverted it to her temple, "Castle . . . it was a rough case, I'm sorry I didn't realize how hard you were taking it." The tenderness in her voice was painful. He knew she didn't mean to be condescending but he felt humiliated by his own outburst all the same.

He gave a self-deprecating huff. "Sorry. I guess since I make a living creating fictional worlds – I get carried away. You're right. I don't have the right to impose what I think qualifies as happily-ever-after on others in reality." He continued evenly, as he acquiesced, "We both know that life isn't a fairy tale and sometimes 'content' is the best-case-scenario."

"I guess that's why you're a best-selling novelist. We all need fiction to counter reality at times." Castle was still looking down as she brought her hand down to hover over his shoulder. Rather than giving into the sudden urge to massage it she made a fist and tapped him lightly, the only way she could think to touch him and not have him break – or her. "You have to feel those sentiments deeply in order to write them, and that empathy can't be an easy thing to turn off during a case like this."

He knew she was giving him an out, letting him walk away so they could be okay. He decided to take it and cut his losses.

He sighed, "Yeah, sorry. I felt for the guy more than I should have."

"Wolf was a bit like some of your characters so I can understand your affinity for him, but Castle, Wolf wasn't Storm, and he wasn't Rook . . . or you."

"I didn't say he was." Before she could counter him he added, "I should go. You probably have plans and I don't want to take up more of your time." He stood and smoothed the wrinkles from his trousers.

"Actually, I just got back from seeing Maddie, and I have no other plans aside from calling Lanie back."

He nodded, willing her to ask him to stay but knowing she would choose to exercise caution and a safe distance instead. He didn't want her pity, or kindness, he wanted honesty and affection and to make her feel alive. She couldn't give those to him, not yet, maybe not ever.

Beckett had been right. He wasn't Wolf. Where Wolf fed his passion Castle would employ restraint indefinitely if Kate chose contentment in the arms of another man. Forlorn yet determined, he vowed to focus on one day at a time and prayed that it would be enough for her to look back someday and see his persistence for what it was.

She looked a bit conflicted then asked, "Is Alexis home?"

"Yeah."

"Good." He felt her relief at not casting him into a lonely evening.

"Uh, can I use your bathroom before I go?"

Kate paled then blushed as she politely replied, "Of course," and motioned down the hall.

Castle entered the room and saw the reason she had hesitated. Apparently her plans included a date with George Winston, a glass of wine, a bubble bath and her copy of Heat Wave.

His lip curled. He might not be who she needed right now, but she still let him write in the margins of her life where compromises fell short. He swore to give Rook and Nikki a fairy tale ending one day. Until then he'll bide his time by righting all the applecarts he could.

* * *

Thank you to evitascarlett for your enthusiasm and making me feel that this was done enough.

I'd love a review if this made you smile.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: ****This picks up right where Chapter 1 ends. I don't own anything related to this but a George Winston CD, a digital copy of Heat Wave and a bathtub. ABC has given me reasons to smile on Monday nights, but not much else.**

**There is no beta on this one. I'm just writing and posting this and the following chapters on the fly. **

**Chapter 2**

Kate dipped a toe into the bath, and then eased the rest of her tense body to follow. Listening to George Winston's 'Winter' album, soaking in a bubble bath and imagining her favorite author's voice reading the words to her used to be a recipe for relaxation. However, normally said writer did not show up at her door pleading to be understood before she devoured his prose.

She always worked so hard to bury her fangirliness safely away from him.

_Sheesh._

He had been gracious, by keeping the twitch of his lip and the bounce in his step to a minimum as he returned from what must have looked like a shrine to him, just as he had tamped down the goofy grin at hearing Maddie accuse Kate of wanting to make 'little Castle babies.' If she hadn't seen him bleeding of insecurity in her living room between those two humiliating moments, she would have feared that she had fed his ego to the point where it needed its own chair at the precinct.

She sighed and reached for Heat Wave. She ran a finger over his name and wondered.

He had needed her to understand that there was more to him, that he could be her prince charming in their own version of a fractured fairy tale. Anything less than passion of epic proportions would not do for Richard Castle, in fiction, or in real life.

He did nothing by halves so if he did have a crush on her, he would feel it deeply. On the flip side, if his feelings waned, the pendulum could swing just as far the other way. She didn't doubt the sincerity of his affection, just the longevity.

_How long, Beckett? How long until you're convinced?_

That was the Catch 22. She believed that he was being honest about his feelings for today, but she also believed that his interest was fuelled by the chase. What if she couldn't hold his interest once he had wooed her? He might stick around out of obligation for a while, but then when he started getting hit on by more exciting women, surely he'd stray. Wouldn't he?

Part of her wished that Wolf had lived just so she could have seen this scenario play out on test subjects. She hated to think so clinically of romantic relationships, but she needed an Exhibit A to either justify her practicality or make her question it. But if Wolf had lived, Castle would not have shown up at her door juggling her emotions. And there's another Catch 22.

She could have just sat in the bath and thought about Rook, the version of Castle that was safely fictional, mostly fictional anyway. But _noooo,_ she was obsessing about the man himself, there was no point denying it.

She sighed and flipped the book over. His nearly smirking portrait stared at her, forcing her to admit that even a two-dimensional Richard Castle did things to her.

The Kate Beckett who bought a Harley and got a tattoo would have thrown caution to the wind and drunk in the feeling of being cast into a whirlwind romance with such a man, or specifically this man.

She missed those days. Well, she missed the high of being so impulsive, the consequences after the fact, not so much.

Did she have it in her to risk a relationship with Richard Castle, to enjoy the moment of feeling alive while keeping a pragmatic expectation of it ending in heartache? On the other hand, could she keep herself at a distance indefinitely or was giving in to his charm as inevitable as it had been for Cecily and Wolf?

That led to thoughts of getting in trouble with a 'Little Castle Baby'.

_Wouldn't THAT be a fun discussion to have with Maddie?_

She imagined holding a child who, she had to admit, would be nothing short of gorgeous. Then she imagined pacing with said child while she watched her partner flirt on Entertainment Tonight or rub elbows at events hosted by the social elite with all the beautiful and exciting people in the world while she tried to shed the last few pounds of baby fat and wondered if she could still measure up.

She knew he was a dedicated father and no 'little Castle baby' would be anything but thoroughly loved by the man, but after the excitement faded would she be relegated to the ranks of Meredith? Having value only in nostalgia and the passing along of DNA?

_The better question is why am I picturing being the mother of his child in the first place!_

She hit the book it against her forehead, keeping it there as if to ground herself.

Truth be told, it wasn't the first time she had run through a scenario of 'what if', granted no previous scenarios had her toting a blue eyed, genetically perfect child on her hip.

_Thank you, Maddie._

Somewhere along the line, reciting the litany of reasons why the writer was off limits in real life had become a part of her day. It was second nature to guard her heart from lesser men, but she had to actively keep it in check when it came to him.

Her daily routine included the following; brushing her teeth, calling Castle with the plan for the day while resisting the urge to offer to pick him up, clipping her badge on her belt, savoring her Castle delivered coffee and resisting saying more than 'thanks,' sitting on the edge of her desk to decipher the clues on the white board while keeping her shoulder a safe distance from Castle's, keeping her arms occupied while they walked to get lunch to keep from accidentally brushing his hand with hers, stifling the tingling emanating from his fingertips at the small of her back as he guided her into the elevator ahead of him. All of this was done while intentionally cutting short each eye lock, and justifying flirtation on both their parts as shallow innuendo and nothing more.

_Well, that exercise was enlightening._

She opened the book to try to distract herself with a procedural passage rather than analyze how keeping Castle at arm's length had become a mission to her second only to fighting crime.

It wasn't working.

_How was it Castle put it? ' If Cecily felt that strongly about another man, no matter the man's character, she had no business using David's heart as a sanctuary.' _

_He had meant to call me out. But had he?_

_Am I hiding my heart in a sanctuary to keep him away?_

Her thoughts turned to Demming.

He was handsome, consistent, clever. They had hit it off right away and he seemed to be into her. They had a certain chemistry and she felt herself smiling around him. If Castle wasn't there tipping the applecart, she would be more than happy to pursue more than a few dates with Demming. But the writer _was_ on her mind, constantly editing the path of her life, somehow making 'content' not enough for her anymore. Part of her hated him for fostering a destructive longing for deeper fulfillment.

_Am I using Demming or is Castle just planting that idea to draw my attention away from Tom?_

It would be easy to blame Castle for being the reason she was holding back in other relationships, but she knew she hadn't felt comfortable enough to let anyone in before he came around. Her partner was a distraction to be sure, but he was not the root cause of her reluctance to really invest in any relationship, no matter how secure it seemed.

After reading the same paragraph six times and not digesting any of it she closed the book and tried to focus on the soothing music and not the angst which defined her life.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Monday morning Richard Castle took extra care getting ready for 'work.' He hadn't talked with Beckett since he'd shown up at her door and he felt like some pimply teenager preparing to ask out the prom queen, knowing full well that she was intended for the quarterback. He smirked thinking how Beckett would roll her eyes at being compared to a prom queen. He buttoned the cuff of his azure dress shirt then tugged at every angle to make sure it was straight. He walked out of the apartment building with Alexis who eyed him suspiciously.

"What's going on, Dad?"

"Nothing."

"Right. You took an extra twenty minutes primping for a typical day of working crime scenes and helping with interrogations."

"You never know when a suspect will cave to fashion."

"So is that Detective Beckett's strategy, or are you hoping that it's she who will fall victim to your perfectly moisturized skin and new dress shirt that matches perfectly the deep blue of your eyes?" She patted his cheek. "Oooh. I will say that moisturizer does wonders but I doubt Beckett will be feeling your face."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Daughter." Just then they came to where Alexis had to turn off to go to school. He pecked her cheek to cut off her interrogation of him. It didn't work.

"New aftershave, too?" She quirked up an eyebrow at him accusingly, which he ignored.

"Have a good day. Love you, Pumpkin."

He gently turned her shoulders and nudged her to be on her way. She turned to face him as she started walking backwards down her path.

"You too, Dad. For what it's worth, I think you're the most handsome man on the planet, next to this guy named Ashley, and Brandon, maybe Evan, definitely Colby . . . "

She left him in a wake of names.

* * *

When Castle arrived at the precinct Demming was sitting in his chair, leaning towards Beckett who was hooking her hair behind her ear, smiling at the robbery detective warmly. He paused and took a moment to duck out of sight while he gave himself a pep talk.

_He's in my chair! _

_Come on, Castle, calm down. Be mature even if it kills you. You can do this. _

_But he's in my chair!_

_Defy her expectations._

He took a few deep breaths, squared his shoulders and plastered on a smile as he turned the corner and entered the bullpen.

Beckett straightened and looked between the men, cautiously. Demming followed her line of sight and narrowed his eyes at Castle just for a second.

"Morning" Castle said in the most chipper voice he could muster.

"Hey, Castle." Beckett extended her hand and Castle leaned towards her and made sure to brush his fingers against hers, in clear view, as he handed her the coffee cup. There were limits to his maturity level after all, and he was feeding off of Demming's possessive non-verbals.

"Demming." Castle extended his hand to appear polite.

"Castle." Demming stood and shook his hand. Both men glanced at the chair then Demming tried to sound gracious as he said, "I believe this is your seat." He then turned to Kate and said, "I'll see you in a few hours."

Kate smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes, "As long as another body doesn't drop I'll be there."

Castle prayed that a body would drop.

He sipped his coffee then tried to sound nonchalant. "So, no new cases this morning?"

"No, we're supposed to review a few cold cases, but unless we get a call it should be a quiet day."

"Hmmmm." He replied through another sip. "So . . . you have a lunch date?" He tried so hard not to sound as pathetically insecure as he felt. His forced lightness didn't fool her.

"Yeah, I'm meeting Tom at noon."

_So he's 'Tom' already. I've been 'Castle,' not 'Rick' for nearly two years._

"Ah." He bit back all socially expected responses, such as 'have a great time,' or 'I'm happy for you.' Instead he changed the subject.

"So, good weekend?"

She clicked to refresh her email and stared at the screen. "I suppose. Laundry, errands, boring every day stuff."

Castle thought back to what she had said Friday night, _"__How could she trust that it wasn't a phase, that he wouldn't grow tired of a normal life with an ordinary woman after living such an exciting public life._"

"Sounds par for the course for me. Not exactly the stuff of a media feeding frenzy."

"You do your own laundry?" She seemed surprised.

He hated to kill the inherent respect of that statement, but he had to be honest. "Well, now that you mention it, no."

She nodded as if to say, 'figures.'

Just then his phone rang. Gina. He looked apologetically at Kate then answered. She heard only his side of the conversation.

"No, of course I didn't forget."

"No, I'm perfectly capable of finding my own date." His eyes slipped to her as to gauge a reaction. She gave none.

"I know, I know. I've been busy."

"Gina, I have to go."

"See you then. Bye."

He hung up, put his phone down then stared out the window. Kate was going to wait him out but he was being ungraciously quiet.

"Sounds like I'm not the only one with a date." She teased to coax him to talk.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Patterson's book launch is Friday. Big venue. Black tie. I have to rub elbows."

"Doesn't Patterson have books coming out every other month?"

"Yeah, but I haven't been to one of his launches in a few years. Paula and Gina keep track of such things and I'm not living up to the image they like to perpetuate."

"I thought you and Patterson were buddies."

"Oh, we are, but these functions have little to do with personal matters. It's all for show and no one takes offense if a friend can duck out of it."

"At least you'll get to have a beautiful woman on your arm for the night."

He thought about whining that it was far from his idea of fun but he didn't want to complain. His job, while personally intrusive, was not difficult like hers. Instead he went for it. He put his elbow on her desk, rested his chin on his fisted hand and asked her thickly, "You offering, Detective Beckett? I'd be happy to lend you my arm for the evening."

He held his breath as he gave her his most charming smile as he waited to be shot down.

Her eyes flew wide and she gave a blustery, "NO. What would I – NO. I just figured you had a list of supermodels or ex-girlfriends you could call in a pinch."

"Since we split, I usually have whatever list Gina gives me."

Kate stared at him incredulously, "You let your ex-wife set you up on dates?"

He shrugged, "She still manages my professional life. We go through this dance of her making sure I have a date to any event that might have media coverage. I assure her I will find one on my own, thank you very much, then at the last minute when I inevitably don't have one, she arranges things, and occasional takes one for the team and accompanies me herself."

Kate's desk phone rang, she answered, reached for a pencil and wrote an address.

"Well, Casanova, right now we have a date with a body." Before she thought through her actions she patted his cheek. It was meant to seem condescending, but once she touched him she knew it had been a tactical error. After the second pat her hand lingered for a second too long. "Castle, you're skin is unnaturally soft for a guy."

Stunned by her touch he dumbly replied, "I moisturize."

She rolled her eyes, "Of course you do."

* * *

Kate had missed her lunch date with Demming, so she had a hushed conversation with him to reschedule for dinner. Castle tried hard to tamp down the disappointment that she wasn't directing those secretive tones at him, but he reminded himself that he was biding his time. It wasn't grand gestures that would win her, but showing up day after day. Jealousy would get him nowhere; it just held him captive every time he saw Beckett smile into the phone at Detective Distracting.

Throughout the day Beckett made mental notes of her partner's disturbing behavior. Castle had made no mention, teasing or otherwise, about her Friday night romantic bathtub reading. No waggling eyebrows or questions about if she'd read any good books lately. Nothing. It was as though he had completely forgotten to be annoying about the whole thing.

He didn't drill her about Demming, make any 'Schlemming, Lemming, Phlegmming' barbs, or in any way disparage Tom. In fact, her meddling partner was being surprisingly hands off.

She started to worry that he'd acquired a rapidly growing brain tumor over the weekend that was drastically stifling his relentless curiosity.

The only other event that could have impacted him was their talk about Wolf and Cecily, but surely she didn't expect him to take it to heart. In fact, she didn't want him to. It was safer if he just would stay in his tidy little place in her life. He was to sit in his chair and prod her and poke her, but she'd never relent to giving him more than that. She thought he'd understood her when she said she couldn't take that chance. The way he was acting, though . . .

They had ridden the elevator to their floor at the 12th while making comfortable small talk. Before the doors opened Castle placed his hand on her lower back, as he always did, but this time the touch gave her goose bumps and her stomach did an unauthorized and very disconcerting flip. As soon as the doors opened, he saw Demming leaning against Beckett's desk. Castle bowed to her without leaving the elevator and said, "Looks like your date awaits. Until tomorrow, Detective."

She was still staring at him, holding his eyes, dumbfounded at his manners, when the doors closed.

Kate ran her hands up her forearms to smooth her flesh as she wandered to her desk and met Tom with a distracted smile. "Hey, sorry, we were following up a lead. The victim's brother fled to Jersey and we had to track him down."

Demming shifted his weight then said, "That's a long time in the car for your 'partner'" he used air quotes, "to sit still."

Beckett felt defensively rankled, "We spent the time talking through case. He tends to give the evidence context that the rest of us don't see right away."

Tom raised a palm, "Hey, I didn't mean anything by it, it just seems like the guy could be a bit much sometimes, that's all."

Kate shook her head slightly at how easily she came to Castle's defense, even quicker than when someone had insulted Royce back in the day. Still, Demming had a point and she had to give it to him, "He can be a bit much, but he is a good partner."

"I suppose I should be thankful for that." Kate rolled her eyes at the concession. "How about we forget about your side kick and have a late dinner?"

Kate suddenly felt much less like going out, but she didn't back down from a commitment, so she nodded, "Yeah, dinner's fine but I'm pretty tired so it will have to be a short night."

* * *

The rest of the week went much the same. Castle still peppered her day with smiles and innuendo, but there was a new carefulness that had her on edge. He had always observed her, but she felt as though he were studying her, dissecting her on a whole deeper level.

Then there were the behavioral anomalies. When they had to question a suspect who happened to be a 27 year old former Rockette, he didn't beg to accompany Ryan and Esposito when they picked her up. During the interrogation he was engaged but oddly professional, and not visibly drooling.

Friday morning Castle came around and he was unusually quiet while Kate was on edge. Demming had contrived reasons to stop into their bullpen six different times. During his last visit he had brought her coffee, and it took everything within Castle to not comment. Coffee was _theirs; _off limits. Coffee was the sacred line in the sand and he would have been well within his rights to complain. Kate had expected him to react when Demming handed her a take away cup from the shop Castle frequented. Instead he maintained a tight smile and nodded at the guy. To add insult to injury, Demming had bought Castle a cup as well.

After he left she asked him, "So, Castle, what's the verdict?"

"He seems . . . nice enough." He took several long draws on the hot bitter coffee to burn all the immature barbs that were fighting to escape.

'Demming? Yeah, he is." She tilted her head towards his phone. "But I meant what's the verdict on who you're taking to Patterson's party?"

"Oh, well, I think Gina has five women vying for a ticket to get in. Sometimes I feel like all aspects of my life must be pre-approved by my ex-wife."

Kate resumed typing and asked, "Why can't you just pick someone _you _want to go with? You must know a lot of interesting, beautiful women."

"I know some, but there's always a danger that an invite will be viewed as an invitation for more than a party."

She laughed incredulously, but didn't take her eyes off the computer screen. "And that's a problem for you? Since when?"

She was jesting, needling him, but in light of their discussion about Balthazar Wolf, the implication stung just a bit.

He answered seriously, "Believe it or not, Detective, I do not like to get hopes up where there is no hope. That might sound arrogant, but I've been pursued for my wealth, or connections before. I need to ask someone with zero expectations that it will be anything more than a one-off."

Kate couldn't help her reply, "You mean you don't wish to give consequence to women who have been slighted by other men?"

He couldn't help appreciating a literary reference but he didn't want her to misunderstand. "Come now, Beckett, I'm hardly Mr. Darcy. Although, I can relate to why he kept his distance. For him it was not only about safeguarding a young lady's emotions but about protecting himself from being abused for his wealth or position in society."

Kate thought about his entanglement with Ellie Monroe and how miserable he had been at being manipulated. "I imagine that asking a woman to be a one time plus-one could get dicey. But, really, there isn't anyone you'd consider asking as a friend?"

He paused then his eyebrow twitched slightly and he replied, "You know, there might be."

Kate's eyes darted to him as her stomach dropped. He stood, pitched his coffee then said with a smile. "If you don't need me I'll be on my way."

_But I do need you. _

Kate's eyes flew open at her unexpected mental confession. She shuffled papers around her desk and managed to utter the words, "Sure. Have a good weekend, Castle."

He waited for her to look up then beamed at her and said, "And you, Detective. Until Monday."

_Respect her space. _

_Keep showing up._

_Defy her expectations._


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thank you so much for all your very thoughtful reviews, and thanks to those who helped me save face by PMing me with typos.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Kate liked Demming, but throughout the week his presence in homicide had started to border on intrusive. She had agreed to go out with him on Friday night when he'd asked her on Monday, but as she prepared for their date she lacked a flutter of excitement and felt more like she was preparing for an evening with a friend.

They made sense on paper. She was willing herself to pursue him and hoping her feelings would follow. There was a spark during the first case they worked together so she reasoned that the attraction still might be there somewhere.

At nine o'clock she opened the door and stood back to let him in. He stepped in front of her and rested his hands on her arms.

"Hey, Gorgeous."

He leaned in to kiss her and she turned involuntarily so he pecked her cheek rather than her lips.

In that instant he knew he'd been shunned.

"Kate?"

His hands suddenly felt oppressive and she knew without a doubt that there would be no future for them.

"I'm sorry. I just - Tom, I don't think this is going to work."

Kate stepped back but he took a step forward, closing the distance. "What? Why? At least tell me why."

He reached for her but she turned and started pacing. She ran a hand through her hair and tried to explain. "I like you, Tom, I really do. You're such a great guy, but what we have isn't what I'm looking for right now. Pursuing this – _us, _that's just not fair to you."

"Fair to me?" Demming asked incredulously. "What's not fair to me is that you're all I want and you're pushing me away before you've even given us a chance. We're great together, I feel this connection between us."

Her eyes softened in sympathy, "But I don't, Tom. I'm sorry."

He pleaded with her. "I know what this is, Kate, even if you won't admit it. But that immature womanizing millionaire will break your heart. You know he will."

Her expression hardened as she listened to his stereotypical condemnation of her partner. She wanted to be angry with him, but she was ashamed to realize that what he was saying wasn't so different than the words she had kept telling herself in order to rationalize keeping Castle away. She flushed, not from anger but from self-recrimination and frustration.

She had no words. She needed for him to leave. She couldn't think straight and he wasn't helping.

Demming knew he had gone too far and tried to backpedal. "Look, Kate, I know you like him, but he's not worthy of you." He kissed her forehead as he passed her to reach the door. "Just think about it."

She did have a lot to think about, but there was one thing that she knew for certain.

"Tom," He paused with his hand on the doorknob but didn't turn to face her. "Goodbye."

With that single word he knew he had been dismissed. He exhaled heavily then walked out of her life.

* * *

She didn't know how long she stood there, frozen in place.

Castle had been right about her. Demming had been a concession, a placeholder from the start. But Demming had been right about her as well. The one man she had determined to keep at bay had somehow become her ideal. But a relationship with him came with so many risks.

She felt doomed to lead a very lonely life.

She sighed, slipped off her heels, and dressed for a run. It was dark, but she needed to clear her mind of thoughts of Castle.

She failed spectacularly.

Even though she resorted to listening to eighties heavy metal to keep from thinking anything romantic as she jogged, she couldn't help but imagine Castle at a grand party with some bimbo asking him to sign her chest. Castle chatting with some groupie who probably didn't understand half the words he artfully strung together. Or worse, Castle having a fantastic evening with a gorgeous, interesting friend. Kate had blown her chance so now he was no doubt giving another woman the opportunity she had flippantly refused. She couldn't scrub the image of Castle and some beauty gliding on the dance floor as their relationship matured into more while Kate pounded pavement listening to 'Back in Black.'

He had her driven to distraction. So much so, that she hadn't noticed the 'don't walk' sign blinking as she reached an intersection. She hadn't heard the car over the song pounding through her ear buds, and although the scene seemed to play out in slow motion, she couldn't stop her momentum. She stepped into the road as a car flew by and the rear view mirror clipped her side. Next thing she knew she had spun around and was sprawled face down on the sidewalk.

She hadn't yet registered physical pain, but tears borne from her own humiliation burned her eyes as she tried to digest what had happened. The car paused only long enough for the driver to yell obscenities at her.

"You okay?" She felt a hand lightly shaking her shoulder.

"Yeah, fine." Kate said automatically. She rolled over to see a middle age African American man looking at her as though she were a cracked china doll. He extended a hand and pulled her up a few inches to help her sit, but he eased her back down when she blanched.

"Easy, now." He sat next to her, keeping a hand on her shoulder. "Sit tight, I'll call for help."

"No!" She ordered, "Sorry. I'll be fine, I just need to lie here for a minute."

New Yorkers were used to all sorts of unusual happenings so after seeing that Kate was being looked after, most people stepped right past her. She closed her eyes and took a mental inventory, Toes, fingers all seemed fine. Hip throbbed, forearms stung. Head still seemed fuzzy but not hurt. She must have shielded her face with her arms when she fell. She opened her eyes and inspected her arms. Both were scraped, but one had a steady stream of blood trickling down it. She didn't even know what cut it, perhaps broken glass on the sidewalk? It would probably need a few stitches. She probed her bruised hip and hissed in a gasp. While she took some deep breaths she noted that her vision was fine and she didn't seem concussed, just jarred.

"You don't look so good. That arm's bleeding badly, and you got hit pretty hard. You probably should have your head checked, too."

She couldn't help but mutter to herself, "You got that right" since it was her own fault she hadn't been as observant as she normally would have been. A bit louder she said, "I think I can sit." She reached an arm towards him but her Good Samaritan reached behind her shoulders and gave her a bit more support.

"Sorry I didn't get the plate number."

The _last_ thing Kate needed was to file an official police report. "Don't worry about it. It was my fault anyway."

"It was an accident, and if he had manners he would have made sure you were okay. I guess there's no accounting for folks. How far do you have to go? I'll see you there safely, or anywhere you know someone. You shouldn't be telling strange men where you live. I know I'm not a threat, but you don't know that, so you just tell me where you want to go and I'll get you there."

Kate smiled at his kindness and protective nature. "The Starbucks the next block over is fine. I'll call a friend from there. Thanks. Uh, can I ask your name?"

"Sure thing, it's Isaac, Isaac Bolton. I teach history over at the middle school. I have a stack of reports on the civil war in my bag if you'd like proof."

Kate noticed his black satchel and business casual clothes. She smiled again at his concern. "Thanks, Isaac. I'm Kate. I'm a cop and I'm normally much more aware of my surroundings."

"Ah, one of New York's Finest. Well then I'm extra honored to be of assistance. You okay to stand?"

* * *

Isaac wouldn't leave until she was sitting with an ice pack on her hip, and plenty of napkins for her arm. He also had insisted on getting her a latte while she waited. She was thankful for his attentions, and made a mental note to send a thank you card to the school. After Isaac left, she pulled out her phone, which was thankfully undamaged, and called her best friend.

It rang four times before Lanie answered, "Hey, Sweetie. Aren't you supposed to be out with your man?"

"He's no longer 'my man,' not sure he ever really was." Kate heard the din of a crowd in the background.

"Oh, that sounds like a conversation we better have over a bottle of wine."

"Yeah, well, that was not even the highlight of my evening."

"Oh no, what've you done now?"

Kate heard loud music start and asked, "Lanie, are you at a club?"

"Uhhh, of sorts. Hang on, Sweetie, " Kate could tell Lanie had put her hand over the phone and took a minute to find a quieter corner. Kate heard muffled voices then Lanie came back on and asked, "Sorry about that. So what happened?"

"I'll be fine."

"For you 'fine' is code for 'messed up,' so you care to elaborate? Your boy here is getting worried."

Kate's stomach lurched. "Lanie . . . you're . . . you mean _you're with Castle?"_

She felt close to hyperventilating even though she knew it was an irrational response. Still, she imagined Castle bringing Lanie a Diet Coke on Monday instead of presenting Kate with her fancy latte. She knew immediately how ridiculous it was to even imagine such a scene, especially since Castle had to ask _someone_ and Lanie was really the safest option he had.

"Breathe you foolish girl. I'm not _with_ with Castle. He needed arm candy for this book party, and I got to rub elbows with celebrities and eat caviar, so it was a win/win." The ME cupped her hand to the phone so only Kate could hear, "We'll be talking about that little panic attack you just had later," she cleared her throat then resumed her normal tone, "So, Kate Beckett, what haven't you told me?"

"It's nothing. I don't want to ruin your evening."

"Girl, you cannot say somethin' like that and think I'll let it slide."

Suddenly it was Castle's voice in her ear.

"Uh, Ka – Beckett, hi. Lanie's my date tonight. Not _date_ date, just, you know I had to bring someone and I knew she'd come as just a friend, that's why I asked her. I hope that's okay?"

She tried not to laugh at his nervous restatement of fact, but she was oddly comforted by the fact that he picked the one person who she would trust implicitly. "Castle, settle down, I think it's great you asked her. She deserves a nice evening out and you can be sure she won't be after your 'ten thousand pounds a year' so you're safe. I'll see you Monday, okay?"

"Wait. Kate, please tell me what's wrong." He asked soberly.

"Why do you think something has to be wrong for me to call my best friend?"

"Because Lanie thinks something's wrong and you're being evasive."

She shielded her face with her hand, hoping everyone in the shop was not eavesdropping.

"Look, I was running and I got a little scraped up. Nothing a trip to CVS won't cure."

"Where are you?"

"Castle, you are not leaving your party for this."

"Of course I am."

"You can't. It's your job. Gina will have your hide."

"Small price to pay to make sure your hide is intact. I need an address, Beckett." She considered then he added, "and if you don't answer in the next five seconds I'm putting Lanie on the phone and I'd hate to see this get ugly. Well, actually that might be sort of amusing, but still. Sounds like you've had a rough night and I'd hate for it to get worse. Lanie's fingernails look lovely but I bet she could do some serious damage-"

"Fine." She had to stop his anxious verbal rambling. "Starbucks four blocks north of my place."

"See, now that wasn't so bad, was it?"

"Castle." She growled.

"Right, I'll just say bye to Patterson and the guys, dodge Gina and text her after we escape. Oooh, I love being covert."

"Bye, Castle."

"Wait! Shouldn't we stay on the line with you? Make sure you're okay until we get there."

She softened at his concern but assured him, "I'm not concussed and I don't think your voice has the power to stop my arm from bleeding."

"Are you saying that hearing my voice makes your blood pump faster?"

"I'm hanging up now." She pressed 'end call', and then collapsed back in her chair.

"Huh." She realized her heart rate was up.

* * *

A/N: Just a side note, Kate's accident was inspired by a real life extremely humiliating event; not the exact same thing but close enough. It might seem unlikely, but believe me, smart people can do stupid things when you mix momentum and a lack of concentration. Then when it's witnessed by a guy you have a crush on, even a super-practical put-together person can fall apart from sheer mortification. That's all I'm sayin'.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: A special thanks to those who made me feel so much better about myself by sharing their own terribly humiliating mishaps. Your secrets are safe with me, but I did laugh heartily at them all.

I'm going to stop telling you there's only one more chapter because clearly my fingers have other plans. I find that I get an entire story posted quicker with shorter chapters. (In that I am the antithesis of my dear friend, evitascarlett, in whom I am in awe). So while this is only just over 1k, at least it's forward progress!

I still have no beta on this because I'm hoping to win your favor by posting quicker, probably at the expense of a few typos. Feel free to PM me with anything glaring.

ABC has given me nothing. My husband, however, gave me a shirt yesterday that says, "Keep Calm and Stay Shiny" and it has a little Serenity ship on it. ABC can't have it, so I guess we're even.

Boy I'm chatty tonight! Now on with the chapter.

**Chapter 5**

Twenty-eight minutes after she ended the call, the doors to the Starbucks swung open. Castle made a grand entrance in his tux and immediately started to scan the room for her. Kate propped her elbow on the table and sunk her head in her hand, waiting for his 'knight in shining armor radar' to hone in on her.

She felt the air rush around her then heard his unsteady voice by her ear. "Kate?"

She was sitting in a booth meant for only two people. Castle left the remaining seat open for Lanie and knelt by his partner's side. One hand impulsively reached towards her leg, but he retracted it and rested it on the table instead, unsure if she'd be okay with the contact.

She tried to look unaffected, but couldn't help blushing from the attention he'd drawn.

_Castle is kneeling in front of me wearing a tux. That doesn't feel romantic. Nope. Not at all._

Her eyes darted around the room then back on him.

_All that's missing from this scene is a ring. Great, now I'm injured AND delusional. _

She dipped her head towards him and said quietly. "I'm okay, Castle. Really. Just a few scrapes."

Lanie slid into the seat across from her and reached for both her arms. "Lemme see."

The ME inspected the superficial rash on one arm then peeled back the napkin on the more severe injury. "Hmmm. That couldn't have happened from tripping on the sidewalk. You care to tell us what really happened?"

Castle looked between them, wisely staying quiet.

"I might have been glanced by a car before I fell."

"You were _hit_ by a _car?" _Castle clarified too loudly. The din around them paused as half the restaurant looked their direction but he was oblivious to anything but her. "Where else are you hurt?" He brushed back her hair to check for any bumps then smoothed his hand from the top of her head to the nape of her neck, his fingers probing too intimately along the way. He misinterpreted the reason she shuddered and snapped his hands back, remembering himself and said, "Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I, uh, shouldn't have done that."

She shook her head slightly and swallowed, not trusting herself to speak. He moved into her line of sight to check her pupils. His eyes, just inches from her own were breaking her composure. He was piercing her with a level of distress he normally reserved for Alexis.

She felt incredibly overwhelmed and shifted her gaze away from him.

_This is ridiculous. I'm not going to lose it. I'm not._

She always lived her life in stringent control. She did not swoon over guys, daydream while running or falter at a little TLC. But his fingers were so tender, and Lanie was holding her arm with such loving firmness and it all made her feel dangerously secure. She just couldn't get the darn sentimental overload to abate. She hadn't felt this cared for since she fell off her bike when she was twelve.

_Mom. _

Her breath hitched.

Lanie and Castle both stilled their movements, and exchanged a look. Kate retracted her arm and shrugged more into the corner, retreating from both while stifling a wince when her hip objected. "I'm sorry, I just . . ." She couldn't think of how to rationalize this.

_No, no, no. I'm NOT going to think about Mom. Not how much I wish she were here to hold my hand, Not how I wish I could talk to her about Castle and if there should ever be anything between us. Not how she would get me to laugh at myself and we'd make cookies and snuggle on the couch until I felt better._

She smiled at how her mom would have found this all very entertaining. But by then her eyes had started watering and that was SO not acceptable, not by a long shot. She tried to assure them, _"_I'm barely hurt, really, guys, I'm fine."

Lanie took her hand back and squeezed it. "You miss her. Right now, I know you wish you could trade both of us in for her." Kate's eyes shot to hers. Of course Lanie would know. Just to clarify Lanie added, "And that's okay, Kate. Remember back when you were in vice, you had that op that ended with a black eye and split lip?"

"Yeah."

That night Kate had been shaken by more than a few punches so Lanie had brought over Ben and Jerry's and a bottle of wine to cover all her bases. That was the first time Kate had told Lanie about her mom and how it was always hardest when she was sick or injured or scared beyond belief as she had been that night.

Castle knew there had to be more to that story and hoped one day Kate would trust him enough to tell him. He also knew that Lanie must have been right about Kate missing her mom since she hadn't denied it. He hesitantly rested a hand on her shoulder when she didn't shrug him off he started moving his thumb, hoping it felt comforting. "Kate, What would she have done? If she were here right now."

Lanie sat back in her chair and watched the scene unfold before her.

Kate sniffed. As if things weren't awkward enough, she kept sniffing. Castle handed her a napkin so she could blow her nose, which could never be done with decorum. She wiped at her eyes and shrugged, accepting that her pride was a thing of the past. "Doesn't matter. I don't think that snuggling with you and watching mindless TV shows would be quite the same experience."

"Might be interesting." He probed with a signature Castle smile complete with an eyebrow twitch.

"Castle." She reproached.

"Might be fun."

"No, Castle" Her lips started curling as she gave him what he thought of as her 'you're incorrigible, and that's exactly what I need' look.

"Okay, then, Partner. Since I'm no Johanna Beckett, what can a lowly Richard Castle do to help?"

"I just would like to go home."

He spied the ice pack against her hip and nodded. "Well, you're in luck. Your chariot awaits." He reached his arm under hers so he could take most of her weight.

"Castle, I can walk."

"So can I, but why walk alone if you don't have to?"


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thank you so much for your reviews last chapter. I'm feelin' the love! **

**: D**

**Chapter 6**

Kate hobbled out of the coffee shop at her partner's side only to realize that the 'chariot' awaiting her was in fact a limo. She wasn't sure how that detail had slipped her mind because when she thought about it, it made perfect sense; tux equaled limo. Easing into it wearing moisture-wicking spandex just felt wrong on so many levels. The upside was that the fabric was thin enough that she felt the heat from Castle's palm on her side and the sinewy goodness of his muscles that wound around her back supporting her as they approached it.

She was thankful that at least she hadn't run long enough to get sweaty before she slammed herself into a car.

Castle lowered her down and she wished she didn't need to bend at the hip again. It was becoming harder to do but her only other option would have been to dive in head first and sprawl across one of the luxurious velvet benches. That was clearly not going to happen so she clenched her teeth and folded herself just enough to get in and sit stiffly with her left leg extended. Lanie sat on the bench across from her and Castle sat at Kate's side, keeping an arm around the back of the bench just in case she was incapable of balancing on her own rear end.

_Okay, well, the whole balancing thing is getting a bit tricky. Still . . . _

Castle gave the driver her new address from memory then his phone chirped.

Kate guessed by his narrowed eyebrows that it was Gina. "Castle, you should get back to your party."

He smiled then started thumbing over keys and replied, "Not gonna happen." After a pressing few more letters he declared, "There."

"How can you possibly justify leaving a big event like that?"

He shrugged. "How could I have possibly stayed? Gina sends her best by the way."

Kate replied dryly, "Of course she does." She peered at his screen. "If that was the subtext of all the curse words she just used then you two have a stranger relationship than I thought."

"It's purely professional."

Lanie piped in. "You can say that again. From what I saw, that woman is bossier than me processing a triple homicide."

Castle really didn't want to talk about his ex-wife in present company. He still had Kate's words etched in his mind.

"_I mean guys like Wolfe they come in, upset the applecart. Of course he makes you feel alive but eventually you know he's just gonna let you down. So why risk it?"_

He wanted to justify to her why things with Gina had gone south; how it hadn't been a case of him losing interest but of her wanting the image of a celebrity happily-ever-after then quickly becoming irritated with her chosen conquest. He had loved her in a way, but he had been too naïve to realize that she hadn't been capable of the same. She always needed to have absolute control, professionally and personally, and she abhorred depending on anyone for anything, especially him. He hadn't blamed her for leaving, nor did he think he was blameless. He should have never jumped into a marriage with her, but since he had, he should have fought for her when he felt a gulf growing between them. In the end it had just been easier to let their relationship die.

All the media saw was failed marriage number two and the very public rebound relationships, if they could even count as relationships. They hadn't amounted to more than a few dates and very little emotional investment on anyone's part.

Castle replied, "Well, 'bossy' gets things done, which is why Black Pawn pays Gina the big bucks. She is very good at what she does but unfortunately; she's not paid to be pleasant. And, as you know, Detective, I am not the easiest man to manage."

_No, you're not but I wouldn't have you any other way._

She sat up straighter to try to distance herself from her inexplicably warm thoughts but a bump in the road sent her leaning back against him.

_That was NOT symbolic or anything. Nope._

She didn't try to move away again.

Kate wouldn't betray her feelings for him, not here, not in front of Lanie, maybe not ever, but she also didn't want him to think that she and Gina had an attitude towards him in common. Where Gina was all business with a dash of spite, Kate appreciated his levity, even if that meant needing to rein him in at times.

They just didn't say things like that to each other. Heaven forbid they communicate like normal people. No, for them affection, even in the form of verbal appreciation, was reserved only to prevent an end to their arrangement (after Coonan) or for life or death situations (during the Dunn case). There was no precedence for polite compliments in the back of a limo with an audience. Of course there was also no precedence for her getting hit by a car after breaking up with a guy, then trying not to swoon over her partner, who had his arm slung around her in the back seat of a limo.

She was flying blind on this one.

"I don't know, Castle, I think I've trained you pretty well." She nudged him with her elbow and he brushed his fingers over her bare shoulder in response.

"I'd say." Lanie agreed. She crossed her arms and leaned back, her eyes darting from their physical connection to Kate's face, which was turning pink under her friend's scrutiny. Kate widened her eyes accusingly at her friend in response. Lanie only hitched a shoulder and flicked an eyebrow up at her as if to say, 'Just sayin' Girl.'

Kate had teased Castle about his track record often enough, and she had soberly used it as an excuse to keep him away on a regular basis, but she had rarely thought about what it was truly like for him to have to work with Gina, a woman to whom he had once committed himself in front of witnesses and with whom he had shared a bed for years. He had let the woman not only into his life, but his daughter's and Kate knew that he would not have done that lightly. He had opened all of himself to her and no matter what the reason was for the divorce, that failure had to have left him scarred. Working with Gina must chafe at his sanity but he bore it more graciously than she could have had she been forced to work for Will after their break up.

"Seriously, Castle. I know this was a big deal and I do feel badly. You're at work with me every day and the one day you had to show for your own job you ended up cutting out for me."

"Beckett, I chose to leave. Anyway, there's always another book launch or charity event. I'll make it up to her and my name will once again circulate amongst the elite. You'll see. I'll survive to write a dozen more Nikki Heat novels."

"A dozen? Richard Castle, does that mean you intend to shadow my friend here for the next _twelve _years?"

"If she'll have me." He crinkled a smile her direction and her lips responded involuntarily.

"Wow, Castle, that's quite a long-term plan."

"I'll leave it to your discretion, of course. If you don't think you can handle this much awesomeness for that long, feel free to drop-kick me to the curb at any time."

_Dropkick him? As if I could be the one to break his heart instead of the other way around. If he left he'd surely find inspiration elsewhere with his short attention span and all. Right?_

She felt a pang of guilt with that thought. Since he had brazenly swept into her life she'd seen enough evidence of a disconnect between his shallow page six persona and the more private identity of a man with his own insecurities and a fierce protective nature towards those he cared about. She had no doubt that Castle would have braved injury or worse when he had insisted on sleeping on her couch to defend her from Dunn, and she wasn't even one of the two people he truly loved in this world. No, the evidence started stacking higher and higher against him being a self-serving playboy.

The limo pulled up to her apartment building before she could finish thinking about the implications of it all.

Lanie started shifting. "Kate, we're here. Hand me your keys and I'll get the doors."

She complied then Lanie got out of the limo. In the few seconds following her departure, the remaining two sat unmoved. Castle turned towards her and said, "I meant it, you know. You're much more than a convenient excuse to get out of a social function."

Kate's jaw slackened but before she could formulate a reply Castle exited the car and extended his hand to help her do the same. She clasped his hand then stood. Once she was vertical and holding the ice pack again to her hip her partner sidled up to her.

"We're nearly there."

"Sorry that all I can manage are baby steps."

"We'll take all the time you need, Beckett. I'm in no hurry."


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Okay, since several people PMed me and offered to beta after the last chapter, I took the hint that my ORD (Obsessive Rephrasing Disorder) might be out of control. I can't read anything I write without rewording several passages every time I do a final read through. I'm constantly changing one part of a sentence then I accidentally leave in an extra word or forget to modify words around the change. Anyway, after what I'm referring to as the 'The Beta Intervention of 2013' I decided to call in the big guns, so Blue252 very kindly stepped up to the plate to beta this and all future chapters. She also came up with the closing 2 lines for this chap, so she gets the kudos for that this go around.

**Chapter 7**

Kate was keenly aware, both at Starbucks and then outside her apartment, that people had noticed her partner. The tux drew attention and it was obvious that people were trying to place him. She had no doubt that a few had.

Castle ignored the fuss until he heard a few young women excitedly trying to decide whether he was indeed Richard Castle. He normally would have indulged his fans, let them take a picture with him and sign their receipts or subway passes or whatever else they could produce from their pockets. This night he wished them all away. He gave a few polite smiles as they passed, but one fan failed to be discrete as she took their picture.

_Not good._

He got Kate to the door then said, "Head inside with Lanie, I'll be right there." He could see in her eyes that she had heard the click of the iPhone camera as well. "I've got this, okay?"

She wouldn't look at him as she nodded and said, "Yeah, go ahead."

The last thing he needed was for Kate to be photographed when she was already feeling disheveled and vulnerable.

Lanie swooped in to take his place by her side. "Come on, Sweetie." More quietly she added, "Keep breathin." Kate just nodded and they stood in the entryway and watched him work his magic.

Castle gave her an apologetic smile through the glass then turned and walked towards his fans. Kate and Lanie saw him shake both their hands, take pictures with each of them, sign napkins they pulled out of their purses and then he pulled out his phone, took a selfie picture with both of them, fiddled with his phone, showed them the screen and then shook their hands again. One pulled him in and kissed his cheek. If Kate didn't know any better she would have thought that Castle was eating this up. Instead she saw the tension through the façade.

As he opened the door he exhaled heavily and prayed he had pulled it off.

Kate tried to bite back her anxiety over being so publicly exposed and instead teased him, "What? They didn't ask you to sign their chests?"

"Thankfully, no. I would have done just about anything to get that picture deleted, but I'm not sure they're of age and you're in no state to arrest me."

"You think I couldn't take you down, Castle? This might all be a ruse, you know."

"Oooh, I love the idea that you've sacrificed your body for the sole purpose of luring me to your place. Ah, but tell me, Detective, if your plan was to arrest and detain me, where are you hiding your cuffs? Hmmm? I've all but officially frisked you and I've come up empty." He hugged her against him for emphasis and she leaned on him for support as they walked.

"I'll be cuffin' both of ya'll if you don't stop talking about friskin' each other." Lanie jabbed the elevator call button, the doors opened and as she entered she muttered, "How do Javi and Kevin survive this?"

Castle piped up, "Easy, they love me."

"They love _you?_ They were mine first, Castle."

He conceded, "Alright, alright, you have primary custody but I'm like the super fun dad that gets them every other weekend and spoils them rotten."

"To buy their affection. I'm the one who has to make them work and eat their vegetables."

Lanie interrupted them. _"_Seriously? I'm gonna call child services on the two of you next time Javi comes down twitching from your unresolved tension. You know, it's so much better for the kids if you two just kiss and make up."

"Sounds good to me." He leaned his head down and stage whispered, "Did you hear that, Beckett? Lanie told me to kiss you."

Kate felt his warm breath envelop her as he spoke just above her ear. She just prayed that he wouldn't be able to feel her pulse quicken at the thought of finally feeling his lips on hers.

She banged her head back against the elevator wall, wondering how she'd let the conversation get this far out of control. "Castle, if Lanie told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?"

"Probably."

"Smart man." Lanie injected smugly.

The elevator dinged and opened on her floor.

Kate asked him, "So, pray tell, how did you convince your devoted fans not to post that picture?"

"I used my vast arsenal of rapier wit."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Of course you did." She knew the encounter hadn't been his fault, but she couldn't stifle her anxiety. "It can still be undeleted, Castle. What makes you so sure they won't just post it later?"

"I wish I could guarantee that they won't, but all I really could do is give them something better. I tweeted the picture I took with them along with their names. That's what I was showing them at the end. Hopefully that will give me enough 'nice guy cred' that they'll honor my humble request to get rid of the original picture."

Lanie opened the door to Kate's apartment and said, "Well, I, for one, will be disappointed if my picture doesn't turn up somewhere tomorrow. I certainly didn't dress this way to hide in the shadows or impress my date, no offense, Don Juan."

"None taken." To Kate, he added, "You know, it's much more likely that Lanie and I will end up on page six, and that will trump any random celebrity sightings, even with a picture.

Castle helped her to the couch and motioned for her to lie down; which, of course, she refused. Instead, she sat awkwardly, leaning on her right side and slouching to keep her left leg extended. He watched her try in vain to find a comfortable position. When she finally stopped fidgeting she closed her eyes and took a minute to regroup.

Castle noticed her right hand, which was white knuckling her thigh, and also the vein that was traversing her rigid expression. She was in pain and the intensity that had plagued her at Starbucks was returning full-force.

He wanted so badly to hold her. Instead he leaned forward and placed his right hand over her left, which was still holding the ice pack against her hip. "Kate, let me get you a new one." She nodded and loosened her grip. His hand slid across hers as he took it from her. "Be right back."

He walked away wishing he had the freedom to lean in and kiss her. He'd been fighting the urge all night and for many months before that to be perfectly honest. He thought it was pathetic that a random fan could pull him in for a peck on the cheek without a second thought but he couldn't get up the nerve to make the same gesture to the woman who had captured his heart.

Kate heard him softly talking to Lanie in the kitchen then, they both reappeared. Lanie pulled a kit from her bag. She responded to Kate's pained demeanor as well. "Honey, I need to stitch up that arm or you're going to have a nasty scar."

Castle stood behind the couch, put his right hand on her right shoulder to steady himself as he leaned over to place the new icepack on his partner's bruised hip. He assured her, "I already asked if she knew how to do more than close a Y incision. She gave me references. One was Esposito. He's pretty into himself, so I think you're in good hands."

_Good hands, huh? _

Kate rested her hand over his to take over holding the ice pack and she felt as though an electric current was running from his touch on her shoulder to their joined hands.

_Yes, he definitely has good hands. _

All too soon he let go of the ice pack and put pressure on her shoulder as he straightened, then with one last squeeze he let go.

Even though they only had that connection for a few seconds she already missed the feel of his hands creating a circuit through her. She chided herself for feeling like she was trapped forty minutes into a romcom at the point where the heroine starts to see the leading man in a brand new light.

She wiped a hand down her face and kept it over her mouth for a beat to keep from blurting some form of "you complete me."

_Oh, just shoot me now!_

She realized that she had absolutely no idea what was being said around her. She turned towards Lanie in the hopes of stifling the irrational adolescent surges that were plaguing her.

Lanie came through. "Castle, go make yourself useful and get a towel so your girlfriend here doesn't have to get up."

Kate widened her eyes threateningly at her friend.

After Castle disappeared, Lanie dismissed her reproach. "Oh Pah-lease. The man spent the whole night talking about 'Beckett this' and 'Beckett that.' That was even before you called and he was hell-bent on saving you from what could have amounted to a scraped knee."

"Were you – I mean did you think he . . ." She was getting flustered trying to phrase her question carefully. "When he asked-"

Lanie cut her off, "I went so he didn't have to pretend to be into anyone who wasn't you. Never once did I think it was anything more than that."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't you pick up your phone when I called?"

Kate checked her phone. "Shoot. I forgot to turn it off silent after my meeting with Montgomery."

Lanie said flatly, "You don't say. Anyway, I said yes because his media-shy-partner-in-denial had shot him down and he was in a pinch. It sounded like a nice change of pace to spend a Friday night dressed up and hanging out with a fun guy with famous friends who wasn't undressing me with his eyes. Girl, I knew he wouldn't try to make a move or I wouldn't have gone." She leveled a look at Kate, "He didn't, by the way. Even looking as smokin' hot as I did he wasn't tempted to cross that line."

"We're not . . . we're just friends. You could have-"

"You keep tellin' yourself that but do you honestly think no one sees what's going on between you two? I don't need a stethoscope to know your heart flutters every time he touches you, although it is amusing to see you tryin' to hide it. So, what are you waiting for?"

"I just broke things off with Tom."

"Because of how you feel for Castle. Don't deny it, Girl. Sure Demming came in cute as a button and divided your attention at first, but even he knew he never had a chance. Not really. He might be a good guy, but, Kate, you don't need a good guy, you need an exceptional one."

Lanie nodded towards the hallway where Castle had disappeared.

"I know, Lanie. I just don't know how to do this; if I _can_ do this. What if it doesn't work out? I don't know if I could risk losing him."

"If you shut him down too many times he'll start actually respecting your irrational need for too much personal space. You'll give him no choice but to leave you because it will kill him to keep coming in to the precinct knowing he'll never have a shot at you."

"But I feel like we're at a good place right now. I don't want to mess it up."

"You're in a good place now, sure, but relationships don't run on equilibrium. Either you're growing closer or growing apart. Doesn't matter if you're talking about a friend, a relative or a spouse, you need to keep working towards each other because once you start being content and stop that momentum, you start growing apart."

"When did you start watching Dr. Phil?"

"I'm just naturally insightful."

"Should I be paying you for all this unsolicited advice?"

"Taking my advice for once would be payment enough."

Kate couldn't help but smile appreciatively at her friend. "But, seriously, Lanie, he's a public figure and I don't know if I can handle the pressure of being under everyone's microscope. I mean, I'm panicked just thinking of how a single candid picture has the power to obliterate my privacy. How could I handle being approached by the press?"

"If you'd been the one on his arm tonight, like we both know you should have been, you would have realized that the spotlight wouldn't be nearly as bad as you think. He's a fun guy, Kate; and he's good for you. Would it hurt you to step into his world and have some fun now and then, even if you want to say it's just as friends?" Lanie leaned closer and said, "Then again, you two have never been good at sellin' the whole friend angle."

"It's not an angle. We are friends and have only been friends. But if I went with him to one of these big events, no matter what we said, it would be a public confirmation that we were together. There'd be no going back."

Lanie stared at her incredulously. "Kate Beckett, what makes you think that going back is even an option?"

"I . . . I don't know, and honestly, that's what scares me."

"Well, get over yourself because your options are to either do nothing and lose him for sure in the long run or take a chance on the one man you know you can trust." After checking the hall to make sure Castle was still out of sight, she added, "And the one man you should let chip away at that emotional fortress you hide behind."

"I'm not that bad."

"Two words for you, Girlfriend; Fort Knox."

'I'm just trying to protect myself."

"At what cost? You keep going like this and you'll end up protecting yourself right into growing old alone."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Castle finally reappeared with a towel and held it up, "Found it. Sorry, I had to rifle through your bathroom, but I swear I didn't look at anything, especially not the bottle of retro Mr. Bubble bubble bath or your leopard print bathrobe. I get the bathrobe, but Beckett, are you even old enough to remember Mr. Bubble before his '90s comeback into pop culture?"

She replied, "At least I don't predate Mr. Bubble."

"Well played, Detective, but wrong, I'm afraid. I always wanted Mr. Bubble but we rarely lived in a place that had a bathtub and Mr. Bubble showers just wouldn't have been the same."

"I'll take your word for it."

Kate was sitting in the middle of the couch so Castle took a seat to her right and angled towards her.

"In the history of our partnership you have never come to work smelling like a sudsy version of Bazooka gum." He then propped his elbow on his knee, fisted his hand, rested his chin upon it and probed, "So, what I really want to know is why you, Detective Katherine Beckett, have a twenty year old bottle of Mr. Bubble."

She hesitated then settled on a benign answer. "It was a gift."

"Sounds more like an odd sock to me."

Even though the suds were tied to good memories, the story would have to wait because Kate's pride could only take so much. She'd already gotten misty eyed over her mom, so she wasn't about to mention her father. For all his faults, her dad was a sentimental guy; but Castle and Lanie both knew about his rough patch and she didn't want to mention him, even in a good light, and risk any more pity than she was due for one night.

"Castle, why exactly should I justify the contents of my bathroom to you?"

Since she'd deflected his question, he guessed the real answer was too personal; so he turned on the arrogant charm to let her dodge the subject gracefully.

"Simple, because I asked and you can't resist me."

Kate slanted her eyes at the ME and said under her breath, "Exceptional, huh?"

Lanie shrugged then pulled an ottoman in front of Kate and sat on the edge of it. She placed the towel on her lap and then opened the package of stitching materials.

"Lanie, you don't seriously keep this stuff with you, do you?"

"Right by my lipstick and scalpel," Lanie deadpanned. "Really, _Detective_, what do you think?"

"Well, then, how did you get it so quickly?"

"I know a paramedic at a hospital on our way. He owed me one."

She used disinfectant on Kate's arm then injected Lidocain in a few places to numb it. Castle grabbed her free hand. She looked at him, a question or caution forming on her lips but he beat her to the punch.

"I hate needles. Alexis always holds my hand when she has to get a shot."

Kate humored him. "Well then, I guess since Alexis isn't here the lot falls to me." She interlaced their fingers then squeezed as Lanie pierced her skin with the needle once again. Once Lanie started sewing her wound shut, Kate felt her partner's palm break out in a sweat and his grip tighten. She stole a glance at his very pale, expressionless face and realized that he hadn't been kidding. Alexis must let him hold her hand so he could endure her pain. She wanted to ask her partner how he survived Meredith giving birth if watching a few stitches caused him this much sympathetic strife, but she thought better of bringing up both his ex-wives in one night. Instead she asked him, "Castle, how can this possibly bother you? You've worked at least fifty crime scenes."

He swallowed and answered without filtering his words, "None of those victims were you."

_Oh. _

He had forgotten to add any innuendo to mask the truth of it.

Kate's mouth parted slightly, but she didn't respond. He worried that she would balk at his honesty so he tried to depersonalize his confession. "What I mean is that at crime scenes the victims are at peace, no longer feeling anything. But it's hard to just sit by and watch someone inflict pain on family or friends, even if it's for their own good." He turned towards the ME while trying not to catch sight of her handiwork again, "Don't get me wrong, Lanie, I'm thankful you're helping Beckett."

"No offense taken."

"You know Lanie numbed my arm. It's a strange feeling, but it doesn't hurt anymore."

"I'll take your word for it, but I will still need to hold your hand and if I accidentally see the needle again, I might need to cuddle."

Kate tried to stifle a chuckle, but her body shook a bit just the same.

Lanie paused, "Excuse me, but I can't stitch while your fidgeting so any cuddling will have to wait until I'm done, and preferably until I'm gone."

"Understood." Castle beamed.

"There will be no cuddling."

Lanie didn't bother lowering her voice when she commented, "You could use a good cuddle."

"Are you about done?" Kate kicked her friend's shin.

"Just about. You eager for me to leave?"

"Yes."

She finished artfully tying seven tight stitches. She dabbed anti-bacterial ointment and then fixed a bandage on her arm.

"Keep that dry and change the bandages a few times a day. Now, let's see that hip."

"What! It's just a bruise. I can handle a bruise. I'm fine."

"Yeah, I've never heard that one before." She replied flatly.

Castle stood. "I'll just, uh, yeah." He pointed towards the kitchen and started whistling so they knew when he was out of the room.

Kate pulled down the side of her lycra running shorts, leaving her underwear in place for Lanie to work around. Her friend started in on her again.

"Hmmm Mmmm, Girl. What were you thinking?"

She poked around the raised area.

"I wasn't thinking…or I guess I was thinking too much."

Kate hissed several times. The whistling stopped.

Castle covered his eyes but could clearly see well enough through his fingers to walk into the room and stand next to Kate. "I'd kinda like you to hold my hand again, Beckett. I promise not to look."

Castle had caught a glimpse of the damage to her hip when he entered the room, but after that he was determined to keep his eyes trained on Kate's, calling on all his willpower not to take a closer look. He was curious to see how extensive the bruising was but since it was on Beckett's hip and there was nothing wrong with her trigger finger, he thought better of it.

"You're looking now, so what's the difference?" Before he could protest she relented, "But, I suppose if you're going to be in here you might as well make yourself useful."

She tugged his arm so he sat next to her again. She ran her hand down his forearm and laced their fingers.

"Better?"

His thumb made little circles on her skin and she garnered the courage to slide her first finger along the back of his hand. She didn't remember the last time she had felt so nervous about putting the moves on a guy, and by 'moves' she meant the slightest possible show of affection in the history of all romantic gestures.

To Castle it felt like a lifeline.

"Definitely."

She had expected his silly grin, but he hadn't expected hers.

With their eyes locked and hands clasped, Kate found herself fighting his gravitational pull. She wouldn't lean into him any farther; she wouldn't. She stood her ground even when his eyes flicked down to her lips just for that agonizing second. She might have drawn in a shaky breath that had nothing to do with pain, but she would not give in to impulse, not while she sat awkwardly with her shorts askew and while her friend poked at the growing lump on her exposed hip.

Castle swallowed hard and reprimanded himself for thinking about how glorious it would be to just kiss her already. He fought the urge to wrap her in his arms and pull her against him, and not just to distract her from the pain. Her beautiful eyes were keeping his captive. He saw them restraining the emotions that were clawing for purchase within her.

He had no doubt she was similarly affected, but he knew he had no right to take liberties with her emotions, especially after she had a trying night. He needed a distraction or his body would move towards her of its own volition, if it hadn't started already. He wasn't aware of much at the moment except that sitting with her on the couch while Lanie inspected her injured hip was not the best venue for a proper first kiss.

Plus there's the whole issue of _that other guy_.

That thought had the same effect as pouring a bucket of cold water on his head. He knew she was supposed to go on a date with Demming, but she'd gone running instead. He wanted to grill Lanie but as soon as they were off the phone with Kate she started making calls to get supplies. Lanie didn't offer any intel but she did seem mighty determined to throw them together. Still, until he knew, he had to assume she was romantically off limits.

He cleared his throat, dropped her hand and then ran his fingers through his hair as though that motion could have really been important enough to lose physical contact with her. Kate's expression clouded, but before there could be too much awkwardness, he beamed a muted version of his celebrity smile at Kate to cover his sudden discomfort. He directed his next question to Lanie, "So, what's the verdict? Will she live to run another day?"

Kate closed her eyes for a beat too long then shook away the aftershocks of their almost moment.

"It doesn't seem broken but it's bruised and swollen. Since it hurts to put weight on it and you have limited movement, looks like you have a hip pointer injury."

"A what?" Castle and Beckett asked in unison.

"Hip pointer; it's an impact injury, often seen in athletes. There's bruising and swelling in the joint and that puppy's gonna hurt for at least a few weeks. You need to take it easy and you know the drill; rest, ice, lie down on your good side for at least the next few days and stay off of it as much as you can until the pain subsides. You should go in for an x-ray tonight to make sure that's all it is but I know you won't. Tomorrow, if it feels worse you need to go in and see an orthopedic doc. Castle, you're my witness. You make her go if she refuses. Take some ibuprofen to help with the swelling. Do you have any stronger pain meds?"

"I still have the Vicodin from –" She stopped herself from going _there_, but she knew that Lanie would understand. "before. I never took it."

"Well there's a surprise." Clearly, by her tone, it was not a surprise. "Okay, Detective Control Freak, as long as you haven't had any medical changes or added any prescriptions since then you should be okay to take it."

"It's been years, wouldn't it be bad by now?"

"It's safe, it just might not be as effective, but it still should take the edge off."

Castle blurted, "Wait, why did you have Vicodin?"

"Focus on the part where I didn't need to take it, Castle." Kate reflexively bit back.

He didn't respond. Instead, he just looked as though he was the last kid to get picked for a kickball team.

She realized then how ingrained the need to deflect any of his attempts at getting past her armor had become. Banter and condescension were perfectly fine at the precinct; in fact, they had been the foundation of their fledgling partnership two years ago and would always be a characteristic of who they were. But, somewhere along the way, Castle started to need more.

Last Friday he had knocked on her door to challenge her to dig deeper roots with him. She'd now had a week to mull things over and she had been compelled to try to understand him more clearly. Even if one week wasn't long enough to quell all her reservations, he deserved more than her constant deflection.

Lanie was more than ready to leave them to their own dysfunctional devices.

Castle asked her, "Any other instructions?"

"No." She turned towards her friend, "Just try not to run into busy intersections."

"Well, there goes my plan to play in traffic as soon as you two left."

"Anything else the matter with you aside from your attitude, Girl?"

"No."

"Didn't hit your head?"

"No. Thank you for stitching my arm, but I can take care of myself now."

Lanie packed up her supplies, tossed a throw pillow to Castle who stood and propped it on the end of the couch and told Kate to lie down.

She countered, "No point, I'll just go to bed as soon as you leave."

"Leave? Writer Monkey, did I say anything about us leaving her alone?"

"You did not, and I, for one, don't have anywhere to be."

The chance to stay had perked him up.

Lanie sounded none-to-regretful as she exclaimed, "Well, unfortunately, I do. Early shift so I'll leave you to it."

"What!" Kate's eyes flew open. "What about the limo, Castle? And your tux? You can't sleep in that."

"No problem there. I usually sleep in my boxers."

"Fantastic." Kate groaned.

"I'll keep my t-shirt on if you don't think you'll be able to control yourself, Beckett." He turned towards the other woman, "Lanie, enjoy the ride home in style. Your carriage awaits."

Lanie slung her purse over her shoulder. "You don't have to tell me twice. Bye, kids. Katherine Beckett, you be nice."

Castle stood and gave Lanie a brief hug and a friendly kiss on the cheek. "'Night, Lanie. Thanks for everything."

"Honey, any time you give me a reason to get all dolled up, I'm in."

He hadn't been referring to the party but he let it go.

"I might need to take you up on that."

Kate envied Lanie's easy interaction with Castle. She was so much closer to the man than the her friend was but she never allowed herself to let her guard down even that little bit. She was starting to wonder why she bothered keeping him away when it was just so exhausting and all she really wanted to do was curl up in his arms. Then again, she wondered who she would be if she just abandoned her longstanding reticence. Detachment had been her old friend and she hadn't known anything but the safety of isolation for much too long.

Lanie turned to Castle once more, "How long can you stay?"

"I'm good for the weekend."

"Good. She's couch ridden until Tuesday and needs to take it easy after that. I'll call Montgomery and make sure she's off the call schedule and I'll stop by after my shift tomorrow."

Kate waved her arm, "Hello! I can hear you. Don't I get a say in all this?"

The both turned and gave her a decisive, "No."

Lanie hugged Kate then whispered in her ear, "Relax, let him take care of you, Sweetie. He _needs to_ take care of you."

Castle had stepped across the room to give them privacy. He kept an eye on his partner but had no idea how to read their exchange.

Kate responded in a low tone, "I'll try, Lanie. I'm just no good at this."

She felt so defeated and to make things that much more awesome, her eyes started to water again.

_Oh joy._

"Well, try letting him lead for once and maybe you'll learn a few new steps."

Lanie pulled her in for a hug and said, "Kate Beckett, you know I love you and I'd stay if I was the one you really needed, but we both know I'm not."

She stood and her last words were directed once again towards Castle.

"My work here is done. She's all yours."


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: If I gave these chapters titles, this would be 'Stinky Feet and a Whole Lot of Introspection." I ended up expanding a simple sentence about Castle taking off Beckett's shoes into a1k passage. I might need an intervention. Reviews are enabling. Feel free to enable me.

**Chapter 9**

As Lanie closed the door behind her, Kate swung her elbow over her eyes in an attempt to pull herself together. The silence that followed wasn't necessarily awkward, rather it felt . . . untested. They just never shared space without a professional objective, or at least the guise of one, so while there was a lot he wanted to say, Castle was unable to choose the right words to launch this new dynamic.

Kate felt the end of the couch dip then a slight tension on one foot then the other as Castle untied her shoes. He loosened the laces so much that he barely jostled her feet when he freed each one. She wondered how often he had lovingly done this for Alexis over the years, and then contrasted that sweet scenario with the hell she had gone through every time she had found her father passed out and begrudgingly did the same for him. The first time she had found her dad unconscious, she had understood that he was just trying to cope. The eighth time she had taken off his shoes, the action had proven to her that she wasn't worth enough in his eyes to overcome his perpetual drunken limbo.

She had been in several relationships since then, but if any of those men had tried to take off her shoes, Kate would have retracted her feet and fought the urge to kick them for their trouble.

She wasn't a woman who invited tender loving care. After her mother was murdered, caring for the one man she truly loved in the world had evolved into a duty. In her mind, he had chosen to be weak. As he recovered she had gained a better understanding of the nature of substance abuse. He repented for hurting her, but any loving gesture felt like a guilt offering and she couldn't handle reliving the pain, even for the sake of clearing the air. She was proud of him for defying his addiction, but she had needed him to heal at a distance. He had respected her need for space to lick her wounds for her double portion of grief.

They had eased back into each other's lives and over time she had forgiven him, but that didn't prevent an unexpected memory from inviting resentment and for a moment she would be back there again, rejected and alone. Despite their healing relationship, there would always be consequences; caution around each corner and boundaries that would never again be breached. Her wariness had lessened over time, but her resolve to never let herself depend on him or any one man again had not.

If her steady, dependable father could do the unthinkable when he was suppose to have an innate instinct to protect her, how could she have faith in anyone else?

_All this over a pair of shoes._

This introspection had came out of left field, but it made her wonder how she got there; sitting on her couch letting her guard down in front of Richard Castle. How did he slip through her resolve?

She hadn't expected the famous Richard Castle to be dependable. Ironically, that was probably the one thing that kept Kate from targeting him as a threat. He had always been safe company to keep because she had expected him to disappoint her. There was no hope of a meaningful relationship with someone who didn't take life seriously. What she hadn't counted on was that the shallow guy she saw at first had substance enough to divest her of shoes with nary a flinch.

Regardless, she found herself lying on the couch, allowing him to care for her in a way that symbolized trust to her. He couldn't have known how profound her reaction was to his simple act, but that was what he did. He took the ordinary and made it symbolic. He turned coffee into a liquid hug and a pair of shoes into a tether.

Castle's movements might have seemed steady but he wasn't sure he had ever been so nervous to be alone with a woman. He had spent a night on her couch once but that had been under dire circumstances. That night they had barely had time to argue about him staying and in the morning a body had dropped before he could serve her pancakes. There had been no easy manners, no touching, and certainly no hope of tucking her in.

After the explosion Kate had agreed to stay at the loft. She thankfully had escaped with just a few burns and scrapes, and a headache of explosive proportions, based on how much Excedrin he had seen her sneaking. During her stay he had asked his mother to check on Kate since he was afraid that if he did so it would scare her into staying elsewhere. His mother was not one to break confidences so while the two women had shared several brief conversations behind closed doors; Martha Rodgers refused to play the role of informant.

Now this fiercely independent woman seemed willing to accept_ his_ help. He knew he had one shot, one chance to prove he was more than smiles and innuendo. The problem was they were now completely off script and he was so incredibly unsure of himself.

He tapped her toe and asked, "Socks on or off, Partner."

"Off."

_Sure, why not let him smell my feet. In for a penny, in for a pound._

He slipped off her socks then tentatively rested a hand on her shin. He was clearly afraid that he would do the wrong thing, but Kate repressed a contented hum as soon as he touched her. Feeling the heat of his hand on a patch of skin for the first time should have been exciting, and it was, but it was oddly soothing; more comfy than arousing.

She was so glad she had shaved when getting ready for her date earlier. Prickly legs would have been icing on her cake of shame.

As she recalled prepping for a date just hours before, Castle removed his hand as though suddenly burned and placed it on the back of the couch.

He cleared his throat then asked, "Do you, uhm, need to call Demming?"

He wanted to thump his head against the wall when he said the name; which, surprisingly, he did without a hint of spite. As far as he knew their dinner date had only been postponed so he needed to be careful. Castle hated to think it, but he didn't want to be blindsided by a knock on the door after getting way too comfortable with another man's date. After what Meredith had done to him, he'd vowed never to get too cozy with an attached woman, no matter how short-lived the dating relationship was.

Kate lifted her arm slightly, slit her eyes open at him wondered if Castle also registered that shaved legs equaled date. Kate clarified, "Demming? No. We, uh, broke things off." She was surprised that Lanie hadn't mentioned that bit of news, but then again, for as much as her best friend liked to meddle, she also valued the trust Kate placed in her. No doubt she also wanted Kate to have to initiate that conversation with him.

"Oh." His eyes were wide with surprise then he tried to school them as he formulated a delicate way to ask who dumped whom while trying not to look like he was elated beyond belief. The celebration was short lived when he thought about the chronology of events and asked, "Is that why you were distracted?" He motioned towards her hip and mentally planned severe retribution if the man had been the cause of her pain.

"I had a lot on my mind, not just Tom. Still that was no excuse for me to be so careless."

He blurted out, "He wasn't good enough for you."

She considered him for a beat then replied, "Let's just leave it at 'he wasn't _right_ for me.'"

Castle smiled broadly and conceded. "I can live with that. I can _definitely_ live with that."

She lowered her arm so the crook of her elbow again covered her face and moaned, "I cannot believe how humiliating this is. I will _never_ live this down." He lightly laughed and she retaliated by poking his shoulder with her toe. "Stop it, Castle, it's not funny!" She would have sounded more menacing if she hadn't started laughing herself.

"Oh, it most certainly is." Castle rested his hand on her shin again. "One day you'll find it more amusing, but for now I will defend your good reputation. I can't vouch for Lanie, but my discretion can be bought."

"Oh really? And what is the going rate for my pride?"

"Depends on how believable you want the cover story to be. Buying me a coffee will get you 'Beckett fell down the stairs.' Deigning to take me out for a night on the town will be worth at least a play-by-play of how you prevented a pack of ninjas from attacking a group of orphans on a field trip."

"Oh yeah, and what would me cooking you dinner tomorrow get me?"

The question slipped out so naturally that she hadn't had time to consider that cooking for him sounded an awful lot like a date. Kate started giving herself a pep talk.

_I just asked Castle on a date._ _albeit in my apartment, where we both would be regardless, but still. A date with Castle? Okay, it's okay. Don't you dare hyperventilate. Maybe he won't take it that way._

What surprised her more than offering to cook for him, which was a very personal act for her, was how afraid she was that he'd suddenly find better things to do.

His eyes widened slightly and then she knew he felt it too, a shift between them. And just like that, the teasing grin was back on his face, always finding a way to ease the tension.

"That, My Dear Detective, would get you in trouble because you will be resting tomorrow. If you let _me _cook _you _dinner then I'll come up with an alibi close enough to the truth to be believable and add a dash of heroics." Kate let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "I think tonight you saw a little boy who had broken away from his mother and was running into the street. You grabbed the boy, took the brunt of the impact then delivered him back to his family without a scratch."

"You know Ryan and Esposito will demand corroborating witnesses."

"I'll persuade the good doctor. She had a blast tonight so if she behaves, and if you are still hell-bent on avoiding the spotlight, I'll ask her to the next shindig in exchange for her discretion, If that's okay with you, of course."

"You don't need my permission, Castle." Kate remembered the split-second panic she had felt at first when Lanie told her they were out together. She thought for a moment then added, "You know, I was surprised at first when Lanie told me she was with you, but I think it's sweet you invited her. She bought that dress two years ago and hadn't had a reason to show it off before. I just feel badly that you cut out early. I wouldn't have called had I known."

"Then I, for one, am glad you didn't know. Admit it, Beckett, you want me here."

Knowing that Demming was no longer a threat made him feel bolder.

Kate was resting her head on the pillow and her partner felt the tension in her release more as he continued to touch her. She blinked slowly then admitted,

"I . . . I don't mind that you're here."

Coming from Kate Beckett, that simple sentence felt like a declaration of her undying love for him. The rational side of him knew it meant something closer to, 'I'm willing, Castle, but I'm not quite there.'

He could work with that. He could SO work with that.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: You people are so shiny! I respond well to positive motivation, so here's another breadcrumb for you. I kinda wish I had started naming chapters. This one would simple be called, "Awkward."

**Chapter 10**

He stood, stretched and said, "I'm just going to get your medication so it will kick in before I tuck you in tonight."

"Who said you were going to tuck me in?" She looked thoroughly amused.

"Lanie?" He replied weakly.

She smirked, "Funny, I don't remember that being one of her instructions." His expression fell slightly and she took pity on him. "But, I am having trouble with concentration tonight, so I'll take your word for it."

"Excellent. Where are your meds?"

"I think I might have run out of Ibuprofen. What I have is in the far kitchen cabinet. Just bring the container over if you don't mind."

"As you wish." He gave her a slight bow.

He found the little plastic basket and while he wandered back to Kate, his fingers rifled through vitamins, band-aids, and a few standard over the counter drugs as he looked for what she needed. He found a bottle of motion sickness pills that threw him. He had assumed that The Mighty Kate Beckett was impervious to all laws of nature, including inertia. Then he remembered that she hadn't been able to stop herself from barreling into a car earlier, so even Beckett wasn't above physics.

"Castle, you don't need to take an entire inventory."

He sat on the ottoman in front of her and she saw what caught his attention next.

"Sorry." _I'm not. _"But it's nothing I haven't seen before, Beckett." He commented while brandishing a plastic oval disk.

"In a house full of women, I bet not."

He blushed, which piqued her curiosity.

"Castle, you don't embarrass that easily. There's gotta be a story."

"Let's just say it was not one of my finer dad moments."

"Ah, Alexis."

He looked thoughtfully at the disc again and said, "Yep. I saw one of these in her room when she was fifteen. I sat on her bed nearly catatonic for three hours until she came home from school." Kate smiled imagining a freaked out Castle trying to formulate what to say to his sweet little girl. "Let's just say that it was the second most awkward father/daughter conversation ever."

"PMS?"

"Yep."

"That's really common, Castle."

"I know, and her mom had the same issues so it made sense. Although, Meredith was too flighty to remember to take pills regularly; hence, our shared offspring, who I wouldn't trade for the world, of course."

"So Alexis was able to talk you down?"

"Yeah, we actually ended up having a good talk, once I stopped hyperventilating. She assured me that no boy was pressuring her into anything. But aside from that worry, what really ate at me was the fact that something was wrong and Alexis hadn't come to me. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand why she didn't; but it killed me that she was in pain and I didn't even know."

Kate put a hand on his knee. "You're a wonderful father, Castle, but you are a father. It wasn't personal, you know that, right?"

He cleared his throat to stifle the sentimental deluge and admitted, "Yeah, she told me the same thing as I blubbered like a little girl." She could well imagine that since he was having a hard time just talking about it. "I felt like that was the pivotal moment where her life started diverging from mine."

Kate loved this sensitive side of him, the one that he reserved for his daughter and very few others. She wished she had the freedom to hug him. Even if it was something they did, which it wasn't (_yet_), it wasn't physically practical at the moment. She took in her position, lying on her side on the couch with one hand tucked under a pillow and her other absorbing his warmth through his dress trousers. The best she could do was let her thumb brush circles on the soft fabric and help him talk through it.

"Did she at least talk to Martha before she went?"

He nodded, "Mother has standing medical power of attorney in case anything happens while I'm out of town. So, she took her to the appointment and filled the prescription. The thing is, as much as Alexis loves her grandmother, they are very dissimilar in some areas, moral standards being one of them. So for this particular issue, Mother was only slightly preferable to me and not nearly as preferable as her having a mom of her own, or should I say one that cares enough to be a part of her life for more than the occasional shopping spree."

He smiled sadly at Kate and covered her hand with his, curling his fingers around it.

"I'm sure Alexis will always think you're dad of the year; and she'd be right. I've always admired your dedication to her."

He shrugged. "She's gone easy on me and I've loved raising her. I'm just so thankful I was granted full custody. Meredith loves her as much as she's capable of loving anyone, but Alexis would never talk to her about anything more significant than what she was going to wear the first day of school. Alexis used to always come to me, even when it came to girl issues at first. In fact, Mother didn't live with us for the most awkward conversation and Alexis didn't bother even trying to talk to her own mom about any of it."

_Forget dad of the year, he might just be the most perfect father ever_.

She didn't need to say it, by the way he was studying her, she was certain he could feel the admiration radiating off her.

"Seems like you both survived."

"Yeah, after the most daunting trip to the drug store ever. I think I read every box in the girl aisle twice and broke out in a sweat, worrying that I'd make the wrong choice. I felt like if I failed at this one task, Alexis would never confide in me about anything ever again."

Kate tried to bite back a smile but failed spectacularly. "No pressure, then?"

"None. In the end I grabbed all the boxes that were pink. I figured that was marketing code for an adolescent."

"And did you pass the test?"

"She made no mention of the selections but she was so mortified that she wouldn't look me in the eye for three days."

"Longest three days of your life?"

"Felt like it. I tried to keep things as normal as possible, but she struggled. I think more with the fact that all her friends had moms and all she had was a clueless dad who hadn't prepared for his little girl to ever grow up."

Kate warmed even more, imagining Castle trying desperately to navigate raising a girl on his own. His relationship with his daughter was one of the first things that she had found deeply attractive about him.

Thanks to Maddie, all the talk of fatherhood prompted the phrase 'little Castle babies' to ambush her thoughts again.

_Would he even want more kids? _

Then, she imagined him having more kids with someone else and it made her feel absurdly ill.

_Where did THAT come from? Oh no, he's looking at me with that amusing little smile that makes me think he's in my mind. Yeah, best not channel the thought that I want to bear his children, because I'm not ready to even consider that. Am I? I mean, I'm thinking it, so that must mean something. _

She thought about the incident with the fangirls earlier that evening, and that prompted her to start running through the reasons she kept her distance, but those reasons were seeming less and less compelling as the evening wore on. Kate imagined a light bulb appearing above her head when she finally admitted to herself.

_Screw it. I want to be his end game. _

She shuddered and snapped back to reality.

"Are you cold? Do you want a blanket?"

"No, I'm fine, thanks."

She felt like throwing up from panic and fear that if she jumped into this with him, that she'd mess up. That _she'd_ be the one to cut and run if things got too intense. That her self-preservation instincts would kick in and she'd push him away to keep him from hurting her. Their partnership…their friendship was at stake and that was too important for her to gamble when she didn't trust herself not to fold.

_It's not __Castle whom I'm afraid will tip the applecart. _

"You sure you're okay, because you look really pale?"

_Oh, Castle, if only you knew._

"It just hurts a little."

_The truth does hurt, a lot. Castle has committed to two women and I know now that he was prepared to keep those vows. What is my track record? Demming was a distraction and nothing more. I knew things with Will would never take priority over our jobs. Royce kept his distance from me because he knew I would have been using him to feel less alone and he was right. I've never gone into a relationship that I didn't expect to be short-lived. Based on all the evidence, I'm the one who might not be able to commit. _

Castle had been at a loss as to how to read her during the last few minutes. She seemed almost wistful then nearly ill. He assumed all the talk about parents was making her miss her mother. He tried to convey that he understood without asking. He wanted to think that he had learned to read her emotions but her thoughts were a complete mystery. He normally loved that she kept him guessing. This time, though, he would have given anything to know what thoughts were prompting the tension that was flowing out of her.

He leaned forward, swept back her hair and felt her forehead with the back of his hand. She closed her eyes and relaxed into his hand.

"Just making sure you don't have a fever, that could mean internal injuries."

_What had Lanie said? 'You keep going like this and you'll end up protecting yourself right into growing old alone.' Maybe I just need to stop thinking of where we'll be and try to concentrate on where we are. I'll let him lead and follow as best I can._

"And what does your dad spidey-sense tell you."

"That you're not hot. Well, not in that way. There's no doubt that your general hotness is off the charts but your forehead is within a normal range."

"Good to know, Partner." She smiled so tenderly at him that he worried even more.

He smoothed her hair again and asked, "Kate, are you sure everything is okay? You seem . . . off."

What she thought was, '_Well, I'm running an internal dialogue that will determine the course of our relationship. You're being too incredibly sweet and I'm panicking that I'll screw up and hurt you and you'll walk out of my life forever. Oh, and I was hit by a car, which is painful on so many levels.' _What she said was, "Sorry. I guess I do feel a bit off, but I'll be okay."

_I need to get back to safer territory. What were we talking about? Alexis, right. _

"So, how'd you and Alexis get past the awkwardness?"

"An epic game of laser tag followed by giant ice cream sundaes."

Kate laughed at that. "Of course. I'm sure four out of five child psychologists would agree that laser tag and ice cream is a universal cure-all."

"It's definitely a Castle cure-all. You should play with us sometime, Beckett, it's very therapeutic."

"If Alexis is okay with that, I'd love to tag team with her, although it will be at least a few weeks before I'm cleared for dive-rolling."

"Well, I, for one, am looking forward to admiring your dive-rolling technique."

"I bet you are."

As they both smiled stupidly at each other, Castle imagined watching his partner and his daughter strategizing together and laughing at him in tandem. Then he thought of Alexis' first laser tag vest that he had cut and duct taped to fit her skinny little four-year-old body. He imagined dusting it off and fixing it on another little body one day.

He mentally scolded himself. One step at a time. If only he'd known how similar her own thoughts were.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: This chapter deals with a touchy subject so I hope that I have addressed it sensitively. Thanks again to Blue252 for not only fixing the plethora of comma errors, but also for being my fresh pair of eyes and my sounding board.

**Chapter 11**

Castle pulled out a prescription bottle and announced, "Here we are, Vicodin from . . . 2006? That's more than a couple years old, Beckett."

She shrugged. "The worst that could happen is that it does nothing. But really, I don't plan to take it unless I need to anyway."

He studied the bottle thoughtfully.

"They don't hand this stuff out for just a black eye." The inherent question lingered.

"No, they don't." She relented a little. "I'll tell you about what happened, just not tonight, okay?"

"Fair enough." He shook the bottle and commented, "Did you take any of them?"

"No."

"So . . . you didn't want to be out of it?" he asked carefully.

She pressed her lips together and Castle recognized her internal struggle, as well as the hesitation that came with bolstering oneself to share a difficult truth.

"That was part of it."

His curiosity deepened into concern then he guessed, "Your dad?"

She nodded and retracted her hand from his knee, ran it through her hair, then placed it on the couch.

She was subtly creating distance and he missed the feel of her instantly. He longed to recapture her hand but Kate, for all her courage, could be skittish. He'd become a pro at using his words to draw her out when he'd rather hug his partner or kiss her senseless so restraint, while not preferable, was not a new concept.

Kate was feeling cagey. She knew she would only have to say the word and he would drop the subject. Judging by the way he sat back and was trying his best to seem non-threatening, he had read her discomfort correctly and was trying his best to give her space.

He guessed, "You were worried you wouldn't be able to wean yourself off them?"

He hadn't thought about her fearing addiction before, especially since she he knew she liked to have a glass of wine at the end of the day. The explanation didn't seem to fit; but then again, she kept things close to the vest.

"No, I never worried about that." She blew out a slow breath.

_I can do this. Follow his lead, I can trust him. I can do this._

Her mantra gave her enough courage to explain.

"After watching Dad, I was never tempted to over do it. I had a few hangovers in college, but after each one I was so disgusted with myself that I didn't touch beer for a month."

She started tracing an infinity pattern on the couch while she gathered her thoughts. It took everything within Castle not to press her so he clasped his hands and waited.

"Years before that incident; I must have been about twenty-one. I'd broken my collar bone in a motorcycle accident. It was a bad break and they had to set it surgically. When I woke the next morning, Dad was by my bed, sober and wanting me to stay with him while I recovered. He said he was so terrified when he got the call that he had quit drinking that day and wanted to make up for lost time."

Her breath hitched. She cursed internally as she wiped under one eye, hoping it looked like she was trying to get something out of it. He was too polite to call her on it even though his fingers were thrumming with the need to wipe away the tear himself. But he would not invade her space, not until invited. The intimacy that came with just sharing the story was a huge step for her.

"After all the fights and disappointments, despite lies upon lies; God help me, I believed him. He was so determined, Castle."

He swallowed thickly and a few words escaped. "Oh, Kate. Oh no."

"You were right in a way. I didn't want to be out of it. I like to be in complete control." She spared him a mild smile trying to stem the onslaught of intense memories.

"No, really?" Sarcasm had never sounded so tender to her.

"Shocker, I know. Anyway, I only took half the prescription before I could handle the pain enough to transition to over the counter tablets. The following week I went to take the bottle of pills out of my bag and it was gone."

She chanced a glance at her partner, whose gentleness was morphing into devastation for her twenty-one year old self.

He couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't sound like he was hell-bent on punching her father and then wrapping her in his arms and never letting anyone ever hurt her again. He didn't have to say anything because she read it all in his expression.

"Castle, no one chooses to become an alcoholic. It's a progression into an illness. At first, after Mom died, we both made excuses for him. 'He had just lost his wife. He was just coping. He just needed time to mourn.' Over that first year the excuses became thinner and my compassion gradually turned into frustration. For years he was miserable and out of control and hated himself for it while I was becoming more and more of a control freak. I didn't understand how he couldn't see that he was slowly killing himself."

She shook her head slightly to get back to her story. "Anyway, while I stayed with him I slept a lot, but not once did I see or smell alcohol or strong breath mints masking the smell. He seemed more like himself than he had since Mom died, and I was so proud, Castle. I was so proud of him."

He wasn't sure if it would be too painful for her to say, so he prompted her with another question. "Did he admit to taking your pills?"

She nodded.

"He claimed he'd had headaches at night and just used them to get to sleep. I went ballistic, which never helped, and he tried to reason that he hadn't taken a sip of alcohol and that I needed to stop being so critical. After that day I moved back out, he went back to drinking, and I blamed myself for yelling at him instead of encouraging him to get help before he gave up again completely. He had been trying in a way and I blew it."

Castle had to touch her, even if it startled her. He slipped his hand under hers and placed his other hand over hers to sandwiched it between both of his. He rubbed her hand gently between his palms. They both were amazed that she not only allowed it, but based on her slow blinks, she found it relaxing.

"Kate, you can't blame yourself. You can't. You weren't responsible for his decisions and if he told you otherwise that wasn't fair of him."

She swept her thumb along the side of his hand. "Looking back we both handled things poorly. We didn't just lose Mom, we both felt like we were failing her; him by drinking, me by not being able to prevent it. I thought I'd be burying him next to her in a matter of months. That fear drove me but the more determined I was, the more evasive Dad became."

She laughed sardonically. "Growing up I'd get so angry at him for yelling at me over silly things like what clothes I was going to wear on a date. If only I'd known then how much I'd miss that overprotective side of him . . . "

Castle gave her a soft smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes. "I can't imagine how many gray hairs you must have given him."

"Well, let's just say that at that point, he was the straight talking one trying to keep me in line and I told more than a few lies about where I was going. Then, just a few short years later I found myself demanding answers from him and he was lying to me."

"Is that why you're a stickler for evidence?"

She considered that for a moment then agreed. "I hadn't thought of it like that before, but yeah, I learned to look for proof rather than take what Dad said at face value. So it makes sense that I never put any weight on a suspect's words until they can be substantiated. There is no reason to trust without verifying."

Castle replayed that last sentence again. Before he could stop himself he said, "But if you always have to verify, there really is no trust."

"I never said I didn't have issues, Castle. That can't be a surprise to you."

She should have said it lightly, but she hadn't. Her thumb stopped moving, betraying a growing fear that he was indeed surprised at how deeply rooted those issues were. His hands started massaging hers more intensely.

"Kate, if you made it through all that with only trust issues, I'd say that just proves how remarkable you really are."

She exhaled heavily. "Castle, I survived, and not gracefully. Please don't make me out to be more than I am."

"What?" He asked incredulously. "Who you are is a strong woman who goes to great lengths to find truth for others even though you never found it for yourself. Who you are is a daughter who cares about her father enough to give him hell to try to keep him alive. Who you are is my partner, and my friend, and my inspiration." Passion surged through his words and he didn't check himself, despite her narrowed eyes and the way she canted back into the couch cushion. "I have met a lot of fascinating people, Kate; a lot of people who have made very public contributions to society but no one has ever captured my attention like you. To you, the shield is not an accessory, it's a mission." He started leaning closer in until his elbows were on his knees and his two hands were gripping hers too tightly. He was resolute and overwhelming her. "I am not making you out to be more than you are but you need to realize what exactly I see in you, what others see in you. Examine the evidence, Detective. This is not flattery. This? This is truth."

She pulled her hand out from between his and hooked her arm over her face again. She wished he would just stop putting her on a pedestal. Didn't he hear her? She was not anywhere near worthy of being the object of such delusional superhero worship.

She knew she was being ridiculous. He hadn't done anything wrong except care too much and flatter her, which misguided as she thought he was, should not be considered a cardinal sin.

She wanted to make progress in their relationship, but being alone with him without the distraction of a case was so very intense. She should have known that Castle wasn't just going to smile and get her ice packs. It was in his nature to siphon not just back stories but the accompanying emotions that she had worked so hard to restrain. Although, to be fair, she was the one who had started down the path of talking about her dad. She could have diverted the conversation much earlier.

Even though her first instinct had been to devise an exit strategy, she willed herself to stop. She couldn't help freaking out but she knew this moment was her proving ground. If she ran, he'd back off proportionally and he might decide she's a lost cause.

Castle stared at her, dumbstruck. His heart beat a tattoo as he tried to process what had just happened. She had been opening up then he had sabotaged everything by coming on too strong. She said earlier that she didn't mind him being with her, that she was willing to open her door to him, but she hadn't been prepared for him to declare his undying love for her through effusive praise.

"Beckett, I'm sorry-"

"No, Castle, just stop for a minute." She took a few breaths then added more evenly, "You didn't do anything wrong. Just give me a minute, okay."

"Sure." The word wavered and pierced with even more guilt.

He started to stand to give her some privacy, but she put her free hand on his knee and uttered an equally unsteady word, "Stay?"

"Okay."

A more tentative silence fell between them as he waited.

She still had her arm over her eyes when she tried to explain. "I'm sorry, Castle, it's just been a really long time since I talked about this. I hadn't expected how raw it would still feel. I didn't mean to take it out on you."

Castle threw her a life preserver to keep her from drowning in regrets.

"Well, in all fairness, you did warn me that you have issues."

Kate groaned and commented with a welcomed hint of levity "There are issues, then there are neuroses. I might have crossed that line just now."

"Nah, you're just . . . complex. Personally I'm glad because otherwise I'd have to shadow Esposito and I'd perpetually reek of second-hand Axe."

She cracked a smile.

_Crisis averted? _

"Well, we couldn't have that." She removed her elbow and wiped her hand down her face to catch the errant moisture.

_Oh, Kate, you're so beautiful._

He was thankful he had the sense not to say that out loud, yet.

_Now__,__ for damage control._

He rested his hand on his leg next to hers, hooked their pinky fingers and tugged.

"Hey, Kate, I know it's not easy for you to talk about this and I'm sorry if I pressed." She was about to interrupt him with her own apology but he continued, "I know you get along with your dad now and this," he ran his forefinger along her watchband, "means that he knows you saved him in the end. You don't need to tell me any more than that."

"No, Castle, if you don't mind, I need to tell the rest of the story."

"If that's what you want."

"Yeah."

She tugged his pinky in return.

"Okay, so in 2004 Dad was hospitalized from alcohol poisoning and nearly died. He called 911 himself before he'd passed out, which he had never done before. I was at his bedside and when he woke up he couldn't look at me and he wouldn't say anything. I was so scared, but I didn't fume or lecture him at all. I'm not sure I said much of anything except that I loved him. That was the day he made the decision to go to AA and get his life together. Ironically, after all the broken promises, the one time he finally got clean, he never told me he was going to do it. I think he was afraid of breaking yet another promise."

"Wow."

"That was the last time he ever drank. I'm not sure we made it to happily ever after but we're good now. There are still times that I resent those years but I have to remember that loss is a cruel emotion. It changed him, changed both of us in different ways. He doesn't hide behind it as an excuse anymore and I try not to dwell on that period of our lives."

Castle tried to think of something appropriate to say without disparaging her father but it was hard for him to swallow what Jim Beckett had put his daughter through.

"You know, sometimes I look at Alexis and wonder about you. What you were like before all the battle wounds. Losing someone who was that dear to me would be devastating but still I just can't imagine . . . "

His bewildered words drifted off but Kate mentally finished his sentence with 'how any father could ever do that to his own daughter.' Kate knew he'd be too respectful to be outright judgmental, but he was obviously at a loss to understand how Jim Beckett could have let himself get to that place.

"It's hard to know what you'd do in a situation until you're in the thick of it. The important thing is that he's not that guy anymore. Dad would be the first to tell you that he royally screwed things up and that he still has the potential to backslide." Kate let go of his pinky and picked up the bottle of Vicodin that had spurred this whole conversation and added, "After he fought so hard to stay sober, I didn't ever want to put him in a position where he'd be tempted again. So, when I was hurt in 2006, I asked Lanie to keep the pills they gave me before I left the hospital and to put them in my locker at the 12th. I knew my dad would be stopping in to check on me and I didn't want him to stumble upon the bottle or see me drugged and know they were in the apartment. It was easier to deal with the pain than worry about him backsliding."

"That's wrong on so many levels."

"Agreed, but it is what it is."

Castle was dying to hear about that incident but his partner had already exposed so much of herself that he knew he needed to be content with what she had already given him. He also did promise not to ask her about it and he felt more compelled than ever to keep his word.

"You are seriously tough, you do realize that, right?"

"Coming from the man who nearly faints at the sight of a few stitches?"

"Okay, _I'm_ not the toughest guy around but I spent my childhood pretending to be superheroes and my adult life writing alpha male characters, so I think I'm somewhat of an expert on tough."

"Of course you are."

He wanted so badly to kneel down in front of her and press his forehead against hers while running his fingers through her hair and showing her that her father wasn't the only man who thought the world of her; but he settled for saying, "Thank you for telling me. You know I've got your back, Partner, with anything."

She bit her lower lip but still looked too serious for his taste. She reclaimed his hand and laced their fingers together. "I know you do."

Castle knew the watch must have symbolized a promise in addition to being a token of thanks; and he wanted to end the conversation on a positive note. "So, you and your dad are okay now?"

"We'll never be where we were before, but yes, we are okay now. Good even."

"Well, if you want to shoot for happily ever after, you can always borrow our laser tag gear. I hear it's a very effective way of diffusing father/daughter tension."

"Four out of five professionals agree, right?"

"Yep, and two Castles. I hear AA might even incorporate that into their twelve step program."

"You might be on to something."

She hadn't run. She was holding his hand and smiling.

_Yeah, _Castle thought, _I'm__ definitely on to something._


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Thank you to those who PMed because the last chapter touched them personally. I am so sorry for anyone who has to walk through that.

Just an FYI – I will be without a computer from Sept. 20-30, so while my goal was to finish this before that date, it's apparently not going to happen. I will aim for one more chapter next week, but if I don't get it posted, have no fear, a new chapter will arrive in October, and I'm sure you'll have plenty to flail about come the 23rd.

**Chapter 12**

Kate had been distracted by their emotionally heavy conversation but now that she had made it through, her throbbing hip regained her attention. She drew her fingers through her partner's, releasing his hand to turn the ice pack over to try to get a colder patch against her bruise.

"Did you find the Ibuprofen?"

The fact she asked him meant it was bad. Castle mentally kicked himself for striking up an involved conversation before making her more comfortable.

"No, but I'll run to the corner store and get some for you if that's alright. You could start with the Vicodin now."

She shook her head, "It might put me to sleep."

"I doubt you'll be able to sleep soundly even if you do take heavy-duty pain killers. That bruise is massive."

"Castle!"

He innocently confessed, "Just out of the corner of my eye, I swear!"

"Right."

"Really, Beckett, if I were injured I'd let you see all my bruises."

She knew his statement wasn't about lust. No matter how humiliating the situation, he would allow her to help him. More than that, he'd allow Alexis and Martha to dote on him simply so that _they_ would feel better. She started to realize that it took a special brand of strength to show vulnerability; a strength that she was determined to work on.

"I know you would, but then again you rode a police horse naked for all of New York to see so obviously you don't value your privacy."

"Fair point. But you know, it's not like I saw anything new. I couldn't help seeing more than your hip when I valiantly rescued you from the crumbling ashes of your last apartment."

The smug little twitch at the corner of his mouth beckoned Kate to kiss it off of him. Instead, she rolled her eyes. She wondered how many times the eye roll had kept her from impulsively attacking him when he got all incorrigible and so darn cute.

_Too many times. _

Castle was not only attractive when playful. Kate had to admit that after the explosion she had to fight what felt like his gravitational pull. He had been very careful with her that night, forcing himself to keep his distance but hovering close enough that she had no doubt he was worried about her. She had let him sit with her in the ambulance once she had been evaluated and dressed; and she willingly let him take her to his home. They never discussed the terror that was in his eyes when he had found her. She had been too busy tamping down her growing attraction to this beautiful man to risk bringing it up.

"Yes, you were quite the hero. And to be fair, you were very mature about the whole thing, mostly."

"I have my moments," he said with too much weight. Her eyes were focused on his, seeking rather than smirking or reproachful. Thirty seconds passed in which they each were attuned to the slightest change in the other's expression. His eyes flicked to her lips and before he had a chance to regret it she laid her hand on the couch, palm up and he touched her forearm and made a trail to her palm before nesting his hand with hers.

_Please let this be one of them._

Before he could stop himself, he knelt in front of her and started to close the distance.

Kate closed her eyes. Anticipation welled within her as she focused all her attention to the nerve endings in her lips. She was expectant, waiting for him to finally quench the tension that had been rising between them; then again, she wondered if the fireworks between them could ever _be_ quenched.

As she closed her eyes, Castle placed his free hand so his fingers threaded through the hair behind her ear and his thumb rested gently on the smooth skin in front of it. He paused to fix the image in his mind. Kate was breathing with a deliberate, even rhythm. She hadn't batted his hand away, flinched, called him off or in any other way deterred him. She seemed to want this as much as he. He had planned on throwing caution to the wind and not worrying about the consequences but along with desire there was a tension in her. He didn't know if it was from anticipation or anxiety but Kate's brow was set. The tell was ever so slight but he was hyperaware and it was enough to make him doubt himself. He hadn't overanalyzed a kiss since a ninth grade mixer at his prep school but then again there had never been so much on the line.

Kate was injured and just moments ago she had been uncharacteristically emotional. The combination of those facts birthed a fear in him that if he took this one, seemingly innocent first step, that she'd regret it in the clarity that came with morning light, even if it stopped at a single kiss. Although, he didn't know if he could stop at a single kiss.

Realization struck him.

_I have no idea how to do this. Not with her, not without tearing us both wide open._

In the end, he couldn't risk the rejection, not from her. There were lines that couldn't be uncrossed and while he would love to cross them all, he wouldn't without knowing she was in this with him one hundred percent. She was getting there, but he didn't want to be the one to make that call.

While her lips were left wanting, the skin on her cheek was electrified. Castle pressed a gentle, lingering kiss near where his thumb was stroking and goose bumps spread through her in waves. She couldn't help but compare that exhilaration to the dread that coursed through her when Demming had done the same thing earlier that night.

_Oh yeah, Castle, not what I was expecting, but it still felt like a moment._

Kate hadexpected to open her eyes and see a knowing smirk followed by a proper kiss. What she saw instead was unreadable. If she had to put a name to it she'd say he looked insecure. That word didn't normally fit at all with her partner, who had developed the superpower of charming women, but there it was.

Her outward response was softened eyes and a contented smile. Still, she had to determine what had just happened, or more accurately, what had not happened.

"What was that?"

"A friendly kiss on the cheek before I run to the store?" His voice was unnaturally pitched, confirming that he was nervous. "You know, just like when Lanie left earlier."

_Liar. _

"Well, it certainly felt _friendly._"

She indulged him with a wider smile, trying to put him at ease while she interrogated him, probing for a reaction to make sense of his restraint.

He stood suddenly and patted his pocket to check for his wallet. "Well, I better go out and get your Ibuprofen and some dinner. I assume you haven't actually consumed anything tonight aside from a latte, which does not, indeed, count as a food group."

She started at the abrupt loss of both his hands on her; but if he needed space, the least she could do was give it to him.

She answered in mock annoyance, "Well, s_omebody_ ordered me not to cook but there's nothing wrong with my fingers. I'll just order something for us."

"No." Castle didn't want their time together to be interrupted even by someone as innocuous as a delivery guy. She had been opening up, and he wasn't going to risk an untimely interruption. "I mean, I've got it. You stay put and think of all the movies you'd like to watch this weekend. If you decide on that, you can start thinking of all the ways you want to abuse me as your valet-in-waiting." He stood, removed his tie and placed it on the coffee table. As he unfastened the top two buttons of his shirt he offered, "If you want, I'll even keep the tux on all weekend and eagerly stand at attention with a tea towel draped over my arm for the full effect."

Kate had no doubt that if she said the word, he would do her bidding no matter how outlandish her request.

"If that's the case then what are you doing now?"

Not that she minded that he was making himself more comfortable.

He took off his cufflinks and rolled the sleeves of his dress shirt. "I am trying to be covert. After all, I wouldn't want to be mobbed by a horde of Castle groupies while buying Advil. More defensive tweeting would cause a delay in your treatment and we can't have that."

"Of course not. Do you need a sharpie just in case?"

"Nah, I don't plan on being caught this time."

He spotted her keys on a table by the door, where Lanie had dropped them. He picked them up, looked back at her and hesitated. It wasn't that he didn't think she'd welcome him back, but she might use the time to think about all she'd told him and the practical implications of letting the wild and crazy Richard Castle too far into her personal space and her painful past.

Kate recognized that Castle was over-thinking the situation. She didn't blame him for worrying that she'd backpedal. She had to give him something.

"Castle, believe me, I am not going to waste the chance to order you around."

His expression eased. "Oh, Beckett, I excel at being subservient, as you well know. You better be careful or you won't ever want me to leave."

_Oops, too much. _

He added an exaggerated eyebrow waggle to make it seem more like a joke and less like he had just invited himself to move in.

"Keep doing my bidding and we'll see."

_What! _

Castle gulped.

All he could say once he could move his slackened jaw was, "Okay." He then shook his head slightly and added, "For now I better go get supplies. I'll let myself back in. No yoga, pilates, shadow boxing, or wild parties…at least until I return."

"I'll try to behave."

"Just until I return."

"Go, Castle."

"Right."

He backed out of the door, keeping his eyes on her until he shut it. He locked the door then took a minute to lean his forehead against it to gather what remained of his senses.

On the other side of the door Kate remained still. She took an emotional inventory and was amazed that she wasn't panicked. She had gone against every Beckettish preservation instinct and thus far her world had not imploded, far from it.

The first few months that they had worked together he seemed always at the ready, waiting for the first sign that she was up for a fling. That might have been the case initially but somewhere between 'You have no idea' and him laying down one hundred grand to catch her mother's killer, the notion of a relationship with her had grown into something sacred to him. She hadn't seen that evolution in him: hadn't looked for it before Balthazar Wolf died when he couldn't take her implied reproof.

Aside from worrying about how serious he was about her, Kate knew that her baggage alone could drown him. He had his past too and she had assumed that combining their issues could only cause more wounds. She had never let herself consider that he could help her heal; or that she might be the one woman he was meant to be with and all his broken relationships weren't actually cosmic omens warning her to beware.

The truth was she hadn't seriously entertained the thought of dating Castle before because she knew it could never be casual. He had become her best friend; they complimented and honed each other. More than that, he made her smile. Her life was fuller with him in it. That connection, magnified, would be as near to perfection as she could imagine but if things went wrong she'd lose herself in the fallout. The first day she'd have to buy her own latte she'd break irrevocably.

But she thought about their almost kiss; how thoroughly right the moment felt. And for the first time she ended this particular argument with herself with a brighter thought.

_Or he could bring me lattes for the rest of my life._

_Huh._


End file.
